Ryan Zimmerman, a National Hero

Ryan Zimmerman just hit his eighth career walk-off hit, his fourth career walk-off homer for the Nationals. As soon as the pinch-runner scored from third in the top of the 9th, tying the score and ensuring there would be a bottom of the 9th, Professor Remix wrote down "walk off homer" in his notebook. Actually, he just said it out loud, but that's because the Professor didn't have to waste paper on what he already knew would happen (it happens so often we could just use a stock photo instead of a fresh one from the game). Sure enough, with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, Ryan Zimmerman belted one straight out of there for the win.


To clarify a point, right before the RZA (as the DC Sports Bog calls him, named after one of the best producers of Mr. Zimmerman's favorite genre of music) finished the first game in the new Nationals Park, the announcers said that he was "63 inches tall." This may be the height of former Nats utilityman Jamey Carroll, but Zimmerman is actually 75 inches tall, or 6'3".

Also: big shout out to George W. Bush, who threw out the first pitch and provided color commentary from the booth. As a baseball guy, George W. Bush is alright in my book. I don't hold a grudge against him for being put in charge of a country he can't run.

Professor Swag's Bonus of the Day: Perhaps my favorite part of Ryan Zimmerman's home run, aside from it winning the game, was his reaction as he watched the ball rocket it's way into the stands. ESPN only showed my favorite clip once, probably due to the nature of it, but it was still a great moment in Nationals history. If you watched the only once aired footage of Zimmerman's reaction to the ball before he reached first base you would have noticed him staring intensely at the ball and screaming, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" followed by the "YEAHHHHH!" which they showed so many times. I think it's safe to say that Zimmerman's "GET THE FUCK OUT!" was the first time in new Nationals Park history that the ball has successfully listened to a player's command. Hopefully there's some kind of magic in the new ballpark which allows the Nationals to control the ball in times of great need.

The new park has already created a new linguistic use of the word "spunk" with Lastings Milledge's statement to WTOP.com that "[Nationals Park] is going spunk us up." I guess Mistah Millz knew something about the new ballpark that we didn't. I'm glad Zimmerman took the time to define what being "spunked up" actually means for us last night. It's a good thing to know. Furthermore, if Zimmerman's hit didn't spunk you up, check your pulse, or check your ass on to your flight back to Atlanta.

The Kool-Aid Man Has Some Serious Skillz

So I was watching the greatest show of all time, Scooby Doo, when this commercial came on the air:

OH YEAAHHHHH! Man that crossover was naZtee with a capital Z. The Kool-Aid Man can do it all, cross you up on the court, and quench your thirst off it. His trademarked "OH YEAAHHHH!" is almost as good as the famous, "OH, BAY-BEE!" of Duke Tango, the guy who announces for And 1 Streetball.

That commercial was effective, at least on me. I had mixed up a batch of Kool-Aid earlier in the day to drink with breakfast since there was no orange juice. Upon seeing the commercial I immediately got up and poured myself a glass of that delicious red flavored liquid.

Here's a bonus "classic" Kool-Aid commercial from the 70s. "HEY! KOOL-AID!"

Nationals Finally Getting Some Respect From Natonal Media Outlets

You would think a team named the "Nationals" would garner at least some national attention. That was not the case for a 2007 team which was aired on national television a grand total of three times during the entire season. How many of these three appearances showcased the fourth place Nationals? Zero, unless you considering Nationals pitcher Mike Bacsik giving up Barry Bonds record setting 756th home run a showcase.

All three of the games the Nationals played in front of a national TV audience in 2007 were by default, highlighting accomplishments of their opponents. The August 6th and 7th games the Nationals played at San Francisco on ESPN2 were only picked up nationally because Barry Bonds was sitting on 755 home runs. Seven of the Giants previous nine games leading up to the series against the Nationals were broadcast on either ESPN or ESPN2. Had Bonds hit 756 on August 3rd, 4th, or 5th, the Nationals would have been resigned to MASN (Mid-Atlantic Sports Network) and MASN2 for the August 6th and 7th games, respectively.

The Nationals made one final national TV appearance on Fox, September 29th, against a Phillies squad wrapping up a late season surge into the playoffs. The Mets epic collapse (largely due to losing 5 of 6 to the Nationals in late September) coupled with the Phillies late season hot streak (largely due to winning 4 of 6 against the Nationals in late September), forged a Phillies run into the playoffs which would have been the most exciting in baseball had it not been for a Rockies team winning 14 of their last 15 games to claim the NL Wildcard. If the Mets hold on to their late season five game lead of the NL East, there would have been no reason for Fox to air the Phillies, and by default, the Nationals, on national TV.

Before the 2007 season started, the Nationals were scheduled play on national TV once, a 3:55PM game at home against the Rockies Saturday, July 21st to be aired on Fox. When July 21st came around, did Fox broadcast this game? No. Was this game broadcast at all? No. Fox decided to drop the Rockies at Nationals game to pick up the Mets at Dodgers game being played at the same time. MASN was unable to acquire the broadcasting rights to the game, so it wasn't aired at all. That's respect stooping to Rodney Dangerfield levels if I've ever seen it.

As of 1:05 PM EST today, the 2008 Nationals have already garnered more respect from the national broadcast media than they did in 2007. It's still spring training, and the Nationals have already been showcased nationally more times than they were last season. Today's spring training game against the Tigers on ESPN wasn't just a technicality like last season's nationally broadcast games were. The Nationals were on ESPN because ESPN decided the Washington's match up with Detroit was interesting enough to attract viewers across the country.

Furthermore, the Nationals opening day game at home against Atlanta March 30th at 8:05pm is slated to air on ESPN. This broadcast solely highlights the Nationals, or more precisely, the sparkling new Nationals Park, which will be receiving it's first taste of regular season action that day. While the Nationals don't have any nationally broadcast games on their schedule after March 30, the fact that the Nationals, projected by most "experts" to finish last in the NL East, have any nationally broadcast games shows the team is moving forward in terms of fan interest, and with fan interest, respect from major TV outlets. Maybe, just maybe, if the Nationals exceed all expectations and are competitive in the NL East, we'll get to see the Nationals on Fox and ESPN a few times this season while they make a playoff run. Hope springs eternal, especially during spring training.

Bonus 1: *The Nats rocked the Tigers today, I'm about to turn the game off since I need to get on with my day and we're up 9-0. Lastings Milledge, Justin Maxwell, and Ronnie Belliard all hit convincing home runs. Milledge's third inning shot was an all out bomb. It has to have landed at least 40 feet beyond the left center field wall and could very likely have been a "yellow-seater" at old RFK. The pitching was shaky at times, but still managed to shut out a Tigers team projected to lead Baseball in runs scored. Hopefully the Nats perform this well on ESPN March 30, when it, you know, counts for something.

Bonus 2: *I was lucky enough to have some excellent seats to the not broadcasted Rockies at Nationals game so I was able to see the Nationals shutout the Rockies 3-0 on a beautiful Saturday afternoon spent with my father.

Ice Cube Down With the Nationals

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Pick the Songs Played at Nationals Games

The Nationals organization is giving you the opportunity to pick the songs they play over the sound system:
1) After a National hits a home run
2) After "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch
3) After a Nationals win

The email I received from Nationals.com:

Welcome Home Nats Fans! In just a couple of weeks, the most spectacular state-of-the-art ballpark in Major League baseball opens its doors for its inaugural season. Your all-new Nationals Park combines the best features of other acclaimed MLB ballparks with an architectural flavor unique to DC, creating an experience unlike any other!

To welcome you to your new home we'd like your help. We are asking all Nats fans to chime in and vote for their choice of song for: 7th Inning Stretch Song | Home Run Song | Victory Song

The songs you pick are important, if not to you than to me. One of my main complaints (besides Screech being worthless) in the angry letter I wrote to the Nationals organization after last season was that they didn't give fans the opportunity to have an identity because the only songs played were ones stolen from the tradition of other franchises that are more than 3 years old. The singing of "Sweet Caroline," a long time Boston Red Sox tradition, comes to mind as an example of a co-opted song which was frequently played last season.

Under the question:

Which of the following songs would you most like to hear played whenever a Nationals player hits a home run in Nationals Park this season?

Make sure to pick choice B) Bustin' Loose by Chuck Brown. If you're from the DMV (District-Maryland-Virginia for all you bammas) and don't know this song you need to seriously evaluate your DC credentials. Chuck Brown is a Go-Go pioneer and therefore a DC Legend. If you're from the Cap, or even a place that would root for a DC sports team, and don't know who Chuck Brown is, you need to check yourself into bamma rehab.

Other than making sure to pick Bustin' Loose, I don't particularly care what you pick so long as U2 is not among your choices. I would recommend Shout by the Isley Brothers, but that will probably win by itself since everybody and their cousin likes that song.

Here's two (incomplete) videos of Bustin' Loose for those of you who are Chuck Brown fan's or don't know who he is:

Wily Mo On the Lo Fo Fo

Nationals Outfielder Wily "Mo Damage" Pena is predicted to miss four weeks after suffering "suffering a significant tear" of his left oblique muscle and start will likely start the 2008 season on the DL. Wily Mo strained his oblique while taking batting practice. Ouch. I guess Wily Mo's damage inflicting campaign isn't limited to non-Wily objects.

Wily told Nationals.com, "When I hit the last [ball], I had to put the bat down and cry. It was [hurting]."

I don't exactly understand why he needed so many [bracketed words], I guess he damages English in some fashion like he does everything else. Either that or "Mo Damage" curses a lot while talking about being injured.

I can't help but wonder what it looks like to see Wily Mo cry. He seems like the type of gentleman who has cried few enough times in his life to count on a single hand. If Wily Mo in his current form actually shed tears the world might stop spinning.

SHUT EM DOWN!

MMM, delicious! How does it taste Lebron? Nice last shot there. It was so good DeShawn couldn't feel his face afterwards. That's some special spice right there. Thanks for being a class act though, and doing something besides walking directly to the locker room after making the game losing shot. While you're 25-7-7 looks good on paper, when you take DeShawn holding your ass to 40% shooting into account, your game doesn't look quite so tasty does it. Maybe I forgot to mention the icing, a scrumptious 1-7 from three point land, and a delicious 7 turnovers.

DeShawn Stevenson Answers the All Important Question I Asked Him

The same email I recieved from the Wizards informing me that Caron would be retunring also held DeShawn Stevenson's answers to his mailbag, where fans get to write in and ask DeShawn questions about anything and everything. Who's question did he answer first? Professor Swag's of course. Yeahhhh. My question was eloquently stated as per usual:

Nick M. aka Professor Swag: What is your favorite thing that you have ever bought?

DeShawn Stevenson: My favorite thing that I ever bought was probably my first car. I got it when I first came in the league, it was a nice Lexus truck.

Having the opportunity to ask DeShawn Stevenson a question isn't the type of thing a couch bound "journalist" gets to do every day, I had to make sure to pick the right question. I must have spent five good minutes thinking of questions along the lines of "If I were DeShawn Stevenson, what would I want to talk about more than anything?" The first thing I did was narrow it down to, "Who would a person who tatoos Stevenson and 2 on his back jersey style want to talk about?" The answer was clearly that Mr. Stevenson #2 would want to talk about Mr. Stevenson #2. Still, I needed to go further. Next, I recalled the picture (above) from DeShawn's (in?)famous MySpace page. This narrowed it down pretty significantly to today's offical Professor Swag question of the day: "What would a man who sports a grill spelling about Papa Smurf in diamondz and poses with an American Exrpress Black Card want to talk about?"
A) Money
B) Spending Money
C) Something That Doesn't Involve Money
D) Both A) and B).

DeShawn's answer was somewhat predictable, I was guessing (insert nice brand) car as my first choice, with house as my second choice. At the end of the day I'm just glad that I have the inution needed to understand what the modern NBA player wants to talk about. DeShawn has probably been my favorite player this season before he answered my question, and he has certainly sealed up the spot for the season now. Caron and Antawn have ranked 2 and 3 respectively. Gil plummeted from 1 to 4 this season, I don't really want to get into that though.

Varrejo eats dick.

Time For Me to Un-Give Up On this Wizards Season

Caron Butler is back in the Wizards starting lineup tonight against Cleveland. Do I really need to say anything else?

This Year's Badger Basketball Themed "READ" Poster Not As Good as Last Year's Badger Basketball Team Themed "READ" Poster

Last year's poster is on top, this year's on the bottom. Sorry the quality on this year's picture is a little crunchy, there's no online pictures of it that I could find, so this is a cameraphone representation of the poster. I picked it up from the front desk at College Library. I don't know if they have it at other libraries, but I would imagine they have to. I think the "READ" themed poster is to promote the American Library Association's National Library Week, which is from April 12-18 this year. Julie Andrews of Marry Poppins fame is this year's Honorary Chair.

Getting back to the 2008 Big Ten Champion Badger basketball team endorsed "READ" poster, my complaint with this year's poster is they gave Coach Bo Ryan, and from left to right Joe Krabbenhoft, Jason Bohannan, Marcus Landry, Brian Butch, and Trevon Hughes a much "realer" book that was afforded Alando Tucker last year. I can't say I've read Alando's Book, Professional Sports Team Histories: BASKETBALL but I can say with a more than reasonable amount of certainty that BASKETBALL is below the reading level of the modern college student. BASKETBALL seems like the kind of book a kid who likes sports would do a 7th grade book report on. At the same time, the book isn't really fair to Alando Tucker since he's not the dumbass college athlete he ends up being portrayed as on the poster. He graduated with a degree in Life Science Communications from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I don't know how "real" a major Life Science Communications is but it most certainly carries with it a more strenuous course load than the football team's major of choice, Agricultural Journalism, so you have to give him some credit. I don't imagine there are that many other First Team All-Americans who actually graduate like Alando did either.

This year's book, Clemente: The Passion and Grace of Baseball's Last Hero, seems to be more on the level of the college students holding them. Still, it doesn't have the charm of BASKETBALL because it doesn't drive home the same "I'm a basketball player and I like reading books about basketball!" message since it's not about basketball on any level. It's still a fine poster, just not a classic.

Bonus: After searching the UW library system via MadCat I could only locate four copies of Clemente, two of the 2006 edition, and two of the 2007 edition. You'll notice that there are six copies of the book in the poster. This means that at least two the books in the picture could not have been from the University of Wisconsin-Madison library system.

Three of the UW's copies are located in College Library, one in the Main Collection, Room 3191, one in Open Book Sports and Fitness, Room 1250, and one in Ethnic Studies, Room 1193. The last is in the Historical Society stacks. Two copies call number status's are "Not Checked Out" and the other two are "In Process" as of March 7. I wonder if people saw the poster and decided to check out the book in response. It can't be a coincidence that they're "in process" right after the poster came out.

Nationals Season Headed South Before it Starts

That specter they call injury seems to have an attachment with certain members of the Nationals pitching staff. Injury ranks second on the list of qualities inherent to Washington sports teams not under the tutelage of Coach Joe Gibbs Vol. I, falling somewhere short of the locally enshrined Mediocrity.

Shawn Hill is back to his old tricks. His right forearm hurts too much to play catch despite the fact that doctors have said there is nothing structurally wrong with the appendage. As it stands, they are unsure if Hill will be on the opening day roster, and if he is, they say he'll most likely be fifth in the rotation.

Then there was this gem from a Thomas Boswell column from earlier this week:

"Looks like Patterson's arm hurts him," said Orioles executive Mike Flanagan, meaning no harm, just ballpark chat. "He used to have this nice long arm extension. Now his motion is short and he's throwing a lot of curveballs."

Classic.

Since Tom Hanks has established that there is in fact "no crying in baseball," I've looked to some interesting alternatives to deal with the Nats inevitable suckitude:

1. Hire a Shaman, Witch Doctor, Hoodoo man, whatever you want to call him to get rid of the jinx, curse, trick, or whatever afflicts the pitching staff.

2. Teach Hill to throw right handed and Patterson to throw left handed to get around their oft injured preferred throwing limbs.

3. Get Michael Jordon to unretire from the sport of baseball, sign with the Nats, inevitably fuck things up like he did with the Wizards, blame all of our baseball woes on Michael Jordan. Frankly, I would be honored to be able to say that Michael Jordan played the lead role in unraveling not one but two Washington sports franchises.

4. Frame pitcher Johan Satana and Phillies slugger Ryan Howard as the leaders of a scandalous dog fighting ring. Getting rid of the two best players in the division couldn't hurt the Nationals.

5. Get Aaron or Bret Boone to donate some of his family vintage Boone's Farm wine to Hill and Patterson, get them drunk, challenge them in a drunken boast to the tune of"You pussies can't throw with some hurt arms!" get them to drunkenly pitch to prove they aren't pussies.

If the Nationals didn't have 2,371 pitchers I would be more worried than I am as it is.

*Bonus: D'mitri "Da Meat Hook" Young hurt himself swinging in the batting cage because he's fat. 291 pounds fat. Perhaps he was hooking more than his fair share of meat. According to a headline I find humorous due to the randomness of the things being battled, "Young Battling Diabetes, Competition: Nationals First Baseman Having Difficulty Shedding Pounds". Little kids, you gotta look at how well Da Meat Hook and Nick Johnson share the first base position. They take turns being hurt so the other one can play.

DeShawn Stevenson Can't Feel His Face While Bowling Either

As advertised by his t-shirt in this picture stolen from the DC Sports Bog, Deshawn's facial nerves are experiencing technical difficulties while bowling. I have no proof of this but I can say with 93.9% confidence that he makes his signature gesture after rolling strikes in the same way he does after dunking on someone or making a good shot.

I would pay cash dollar$ to see a video of DeShawn rolling three consecutive strikes on the final frame to come from behind to win a round, especially if he was bowling against Chris Paul or any other member of the Hornets.

The beard he's sporting for the beard growing contest he's holding with Chicago Bulls forward and all around bamma Drew Gooden is clearly doing well. It is the kind of beard that I would expect to see at a bowling alley rather than on a basketball court so its fitting that DeShawn is a bowler. I suppose its also the kind of beard you would don when you have a $20,000 straight cash bet that the other guy will shave his beard first.

*Bonus: Note that in spite of the general clownishness of DeShawn's shoes, they are in fact not bowling shoes, but what appear to be low top Chuck's with some chunky red laces.

*Bonus 2: In case you aren't familiar with DeShawn's "I can't feel my face," gesture or just enjoy watching him do, he performs it after dunking on the Pistons at the end of this low resolution video.

BREAKING NEWS: WARREN SAPP RETIRES

Oh, wait. No one cares. He plays for the Raiders. On Sapp's official website, aptly named QBKilla.com, he made the following announcement, "I'm Done!" That is in fact, all the website says. The truth is, the Raiders don't deserve anything more than Sapp's two word retirement announcement. The exclamation point at the end of his statement goes to show how happy players are to get out of the football purgatory that is the Oakland Raiders by any means possible.

Another Reason to Love Woody Paige

In case you didn't already love him for his nonsensical comments and wacky demeanor, today Woodow Wilson "Woody" Paige is wearing a Big Bird tie. Other Sesame Street characters may also grace his tie but I can't really tell because the bar with his name and the number of "points" block everything below Big Bird. If Cookie Monster is on there, I gotta get me one of those ties.

Brett Favre Gone, Perhaps With the Wind

Brett Favre is nothing short of an American icon and he leaves the game of football with records for most career TDs, completions, career passing yards, consecutive starts for a starting QB, career wins by a starting QB, addictions to vicodin by a starting QB, interceptions, and number of comparasions to Tony Romo by Tony Kornheiser. He decided make his decision to retire early in the offseason, denying Packer fans the opportunity to fret for months about the future of a Packers team with Aaron Rodgers at the helm. Some say part of the reason he retired was to let the feeling of inevitable Rodgers led defeat sink in long before the season begins. Of course Rodgers will just get hurt right away like he always does so the Packers will inevitably end up being led by last seasons third stringer Craig Nall.

Despite the fact Favre never played for my hometown team the Washington Redskins, he leaves behind a long legacy of throwing interceptions to the Redskins. The first pass of Favre's career was intercepted by Washington Redskins linebacker Andre Collins, who proceeded to return the interception for a touchdown. In the most touching moment of Favre's career for Redskins fans, Favre launched an errant pass directly to the late, great Redskins saftey Sean Taylor. In doing so Favre eclipsed George Blanda's mark of 277 career interceptions.

Favre is also notable for beginning and ending his career much in the style of baseball legend Ted Williams. Williams hit homeruns in his first and last career at bats, while Favre threw interceptions on the opening and final passes of his career. Favre's final pass was intercepted in overtime of the NFC Finals game at home against the New York Giants. The turnover sealed the Packers defeat after a field goal won the game for the Giants.

In spite of all this Favre is still better than John Elway due to Elway's now scandalized use of the Vortex football in the first Superbowl he won, and then the Vortex Howler in his second Superbowl victory. After investigating reports that Elway could throw such footballs clean out of the stadium, the NFL committee of fair play rescinded Elway's Superbowl rings, leaving Favre with 1 career Superbowl win, and Elway with 0.