Nationals Season Headed South Before it Starts

That specter they call injury seems to have an attachment with certain members of the Nationals pitching staff. Injury ranks second on the list of qualities inherent to Washington sports teams not under the tutelage of Coach Joe Gibbs Vol. I, falling somewhere short of the locally enshrined Mediocrity.

Shawn Hill is back to his old tricks. His right forearm hurts too much to play catch despite the fact that doctors have said there is nothing structurally wrong with the appendage. As it stands, they are unsure if Hill will be on the opening day roster, and if he is, they say he'll most likely be fifth in the rotation.

Then there was this gem from a Thomas Boswell column from earlier this week:

"Looks like Patterson's arm hurts him," said Orioles executive Mike Flanagan, meaning no harm, just ballpark chat. "He used to have this nice long arm extension. Now his motion is short and he's throwing a lot of curveballs."

Classic.

Since Tom Hanks has established that there is in fact "no crying in baseball," I've looked to some interesting alternatives to deal with the Nats inevitable suckitude:

1. Hire a Shaman, Witch Doctor, Hoodoo man, whatever you want to call him to get rid of the jinx, curse, trick, or whatever afflicts the pitching staff.

2. Teach Hill to throw right handed and Patterson to throw left handed to get around their oft injured preferred throwing limbs.

3. Get Michael Jordon to unretire from the sport of baseball, sign with the Nats, inevitably fuck things up like he did with the Wizards, blame all of our baseball woes on Michael Jordan. Frankly, I would be honored to be able to say that Michael Jordan played the lead role in unraveling not one but two Washington sports franchises.

4. Frame pitcher Johan Satana and Phillies slugger Ryan Howard as the leaders of a scandalous dog fighting ring. Getting rid of the two best players in the division couldn't hurt the Nationals.

5. Get Aaron or Bret Boone to donate some of his family vintage Boone's Farm wine to Hill and Patterson, get them drunk, challenge them in a drunken boast to the tune of"You pussies can't throw with some hurt arms!" get them to drunkenly pitch to prove they aren't pussies.

If the Nationals didn't have 2,371 pitchers I would be more worried than I am as it is.

*Bonus: D'mitri "Da Meat Hook" Young hurt himself swinging in the batting cage because he's fat. 291 pounds fat. Perhaps he was hooking more than his fair share of meat. According to a headline I find humorous due to the randomness of the things being battled, "Young Battling Diabetes, Competition: Nationals First Baseman Having Difficulty Shedding Pounds". Little kids, you gotta look at how well Da Meat Hook and Nick Johnson share the first base position. They take turns being hurt so the other one can play.