I, Too am Experiencing Difficulties With My Face's Sense of Touch

It's been over 12 hours since the Wizards completed their glorious, glorious rout of the Cavaliers and I still can't feel my face. I wasn't even at the game. Furthermore, I wasn't even in DC. I was in Madison, Wisconsin. At least we have proof that DeShawn Stevenson's mutant ability to numben faces is powerful enough to cross state lines. If he continues to tamper with the face feeling ability of Americans, change his appearance to look increasingly naZtee, DeShawn is bound to get a call from Professor X about joining the X-Men. Dude is a freak.

The real question is, why can't non-Comcast announcers get the name of DeShawn's patented gesture right? They need to call up the US Patent Office and look up US Patent No. 6981182, which specifies DeShawn's ownership of the "I Can't Feel My Face gesture." DeShawn acquired the rights to the "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture from Tony Yayo in 2006 for a 1972 Chevy Impala and a blue and white diamond studded platinum chain reading simply, Premium in script lettering. Despite legal ownership, the TNT announcers kept issuing remarks like "Oh, DeShawn is invisible again" during moments when DeShawn clearly was experiencing technical difficulties with the sense of touch in his facial region. TNT needs to step their announcing game up.

I'm really glad DeShawn plays for the Wizards. He's the kind of asshole you love when he plays for your team, but you absolutely loathe if he's playing against you. I appreciate that the video of DeShawn doing what he does best is titled "DeShawn Stevenson thinks humility is overrated." The person who posted this video failed to recognize that DeShawn never thinks anything. DeShawn only knows.

I hope feeling has left DeShawn's face indefinitely, or at least until Sunday at about 4:30pm EDT.


Bonus: I have a two blog mohawking streak going right now.

SHUT EM DOWN!

MMM, delicious! How does it taste Lebron? Nice last shot there. It was so good DeShawn couldn't feel his face afterwards. That's some special spice right there. Thanks for being a class act though, and doing something besides walking directly to the locker room after making the game losing shot. While you're 25-7-7 looks good on paper, when you take DeShawn holding your ass to 40% shooting into account, your game doesn't look quite so tasty does it. Maybe I forgot to mention the icing, a scrumptious 1-7 from three point land, and a delicious 7 turnovers.

DeShawn Stevenson Answers the All Important Question I Asked Him

The same email I recieved from the Wizards informing me that Caron would be retunring also held DeShawn Stevenson's answers to his mailbag, where fans get to write in and ask DeShawn questions about anything and everything. Who's question did he answer first? Professor Swag's of course. Yeahhhh. My question was eloquently stated as per usual:

Nick M. aka Professor Swag: What is your favorite thing that you have ever bought?

DeShawn Stevenson: My favorite thing that I ever bought was probably my first car. I got it when I first came in the league, it was a nice Lexus truck.

Having the opportunity to ask DeShawn Stevenson a question isn't the type of thing a couch bound "journalist" gets to do every day, I had to make sure to pick the right question. I must have spent five good minutes thinking of questions along the lines of "If I were DeShawn Stevenson, what would I want to talk about more than anything?" The first thing I did was narrow it down to, "Who would a person who tatoos Stevenson and 2 on his back jersey style want to talk about?" The answer was clearly that Mr. Stevenson #2 would want to talk about Mr. Stevenson #2. Still, I needed to go further. Next, I recalled the picture (above) from DeShawn's (in?)famous MySpace page. This narrowed it down pretty significantly to today's offical Professor Swag question of the day: "What would a man who sports a grill spelling about Papa Smurf in diamondz and poses with an American Exrpress Black Card want to talk about?"
A) Money
B) Spending Money
C) Something That Doesn't Involve Money
D) Both A) and B).

DeShawn's answer was somewhat predictable, I was guessing (insert nice brand) car as my first choice, with house as my second choice. At the end of the day I'm just glad that I have the inution needed to understand what the modern NBA player wants to talk about. DeShawn has probably been my favorite player this season before he answered my question, and he has certainly sealed up the spot for the season now. Caron and Antawn have ranked 2 and 3 respectively. Gil plummeted from 1 to 4 this season, I don't really want to get into that though.

Varrejo eats dick.

DeShawn Stevenson Can't Feel His Face While Bowling Either

As advertised by his t-shirt in this picture stolen from the DC Sports Bog, Deshawn's facial nerves are experiencing technical difficulties while bowling. I have no proof of this but I can say with 93.9% confidence that he makes his signature gesture after rolling strikes in the same way he does after dunking on someone or making a good shot.

I would pay cash dollar$ to see a video of DeShawn rolling three consecutive strikes on the final frame to come from behind to win a round, especially if he was bowling against Chris Paul or any other member of the Hornets.

The beard he's sporting for the beard growing contest he's holding with Chicago Bulls forward and all around bamma Drew Gooden is clearly doing well. It is the kind of beard that I would expect to see at a bowling alley rather than on a basketball court so its fitting that DeShawn is a bowler. I suppose its also the kind of beard you would don when you have a $20,000 straight cash bet that the other guy will shave his beard first.

*Bonus: Note that in spite of the general clownishness of DeShawn's shoes, they are in fact not bowling shoes, but what appear to be low top Chuck's with some chunky red laces.

*Bonus 2: In case you aren't familiar with DeShawn's "I can't feel my face," gesture or just enjoy watching him do, he performs it after dunking on the Pistons at the end of this low resolution video.

DeShawn Stevenson: A Real American Hero

DAGGER!



According to the stats on NBA.com, he's Mister 38.3 this year, not Mister 50. But he earned his keep in tonight's game.

*Note from Professor Swag: It is assumed that DeShawn is most likely currently experiencing difficulties feeling his face in the wake of such a daggerous performance. His tremendous beard certainly can't be helping.