I, Too am Experiencing Difficulties With My Face's Sense of Touch

It's been over 12 hours since the Wizards completed their glorious, glorious rout of the Cavaliers and I still can't feel my face. I wasn't even at the game. Furthermore, I wasn't even in DC. I was in Madison, Wisconsin. At least we have proof that DeShawn Stevenson's mutant ability to numben faces is powerful enough to cross state lines. If he continues to tamper with the face feeling ability of Americans, change his appearance to look increasingly naZtee, DeShawn is bound to get a call from Professor X about joining the X-Men. Dude is a freak.

The real question is, why can't non-Comcast announcers get the name of DeShawn's patented gesture right? They need to call up the US Patent Office and look up US Patent No. 6981182, which specifies DeShawn's ownership of the "I Can't Feel My Face gesture." DeShawn acquired the rights to the "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture from Tony Yayo in 2006 for a 1972 Chevy Impala and a blue and white diamond studded platinum chain reading simply, Premium in script lettering. Despite legal ownership, the TNT announcers kept issuing remarks like "Oh, DeShawn is invisible again" during moments when DeShawn clearly was experiencing technical difficulties with the sense of touch in his facial region. TNT needs to step their announcing game up.

I'm really glad DeShawn plays for the Wizards. He's the kind of asshole you love when he plays for your team, but you absolutely loathe if he's playing against you. I appreciate that the video of DeShawn doing what he does best is titled "DeShawn Stevenson thinks humility is overrated." The person who posted this video failed to recognize that DeShawn never thinks anything. DeShawn only knows.

I hope feeling has left DeShawn's face indefinitely, or at least until Sunday at about 4:30pm EDT.


Bonus: I have a two blog mohawking streak going right now.

When Your Team Shares a Name With the Leader of the KKK, it May Not Be Best to Call for a "White-Out"

When I checked my email this morning I noticed I had received two emails from Wizards Wire advising me that the Wizards had a "White-Out Playoff Offer" for me. The first thing I thought of when I saw the "Wizards" were advertising a "White-Out" was the Ku Klux Klan related controversy which sprang up during the process of renaming the "Bullets" the "Wizards. Pastor Morris Shearin, the first vice president of the Washington, D.C., NAACP and a member of the board of the national NAACP, raised protest over the Washington franchise's rebranding as the "Wizards" because an "Imperial Wizard" is the supreme leader of the Ku Klan Klan.*

Maybe it's just me, but in light of the above controversy, I found the following release from the Wizards reasonably comedic:

All persons attending the games at Verizon Center are advised that 'White-Out' conditions are expected in downtown, Washington DC.

I feel like I don't really need to say anything about how Klan members, including the "Imperial Wizard" dress in all white themselves. If you're one of those people who wear actual wizard-styled hats while cheering on the Wizards, I would recommend leaving your white wizard-styled hat at home during the "White-Out."

In spite of the low levels of hilarity the "White Out" produces, the only thing it really changes is Wizards fans will now have the privilege of watching the refs cheat Lebron and Cavs to inevitable, horrible victory while dressed in white. I feel bad because I know the Cavs are going to win the series and I also know the Cavs are going to win the series because of the increased number of "Lebron calls" that Lebron gets in the playoffs, especially against the Wizards.

*Bonus: The finalists in the 1997 Bullets renaming contest were the Dragons, Express, Stallions, Sea Dogs, and Wizards. Can you guess which of the finalists aside from Wizards also brought the scorn of the NAACP? The answer is the Dragons. A "Grand Dragon" is the Klan leader of a specific state, operating directly under the powers of the Imperial Wizard. This begs the question, how the hell did the two highest KKK titles end up as finalists in the naming contest for an NBA team in Washington DC?

KG, Celtics Can Lick Jamison's, Wizards' Nutzz

I don't even have to say anything, the video summarizes the Wizards relationship with the NBA's "best" team.

SHUT EM DOWN!

MMM, delicious! How does it taste Lebron? Nice last shot there. It was so good DeShawn couldn't feel his face afterwards. That's some special spice right there. Thanks for being a class act though, and doing something besides walking directly to the locker room after making the game losing shot. While you're 25-7-7 looks good on paper, when you take DeShawn holding your ass to 40% shooting into account, your game doesn't look quite so tasty does it. Maybe I forgot to mention the icing, a scrumptious 1-7 from three point land, and a delicious 7 turnovers.

DeShawn Stevenson Answers the All Important Question I Asked Him

The same email I recieved from the Wizards informing me that Caron would be retunring also held DeShawn Stevenson's answers to his mailbag, where fans get to write in and ask DeShawn questions about anything and everything. Who's question did he answer first? Professor Swag's of course. Yeahhhh. My question was eloquently stated as per usual:

Nick M. aka Professor Swag: What is your favorite thing that you have ever bought?

DeShawn Stevenson: My favorite thing that I ever bought was probably my first car. I got it when I first came in the league, it was a nice Lexus truck.

Having the opportunity to ask DeShawn Stevenson a question isn't the type of thing a couch bound "journalist" gets to do every day, I had to make sure to pick the right question. I must have spent five good minutes thinking of questions along the lines of "If I were DeShawn Stevenson, what would I want to talk about more than anything?" The first thing I did was narrow it down to, "Who would a person who tatoos Stevenson and 2 on his back jersey style want to talk about?" The answer was clearly that Mr. Stevenson #2 would want to talk about Mr. Stevenson #2. Still, I needed to go further. Next, I recalled the picture (above) from DeShawn's (in?)famous MySpace page. This narrowed it down pretty significantly to today's offical Professor Swag question of the day: "What would a man who sports a grill spelling about Papa Smurf in diamondz and poses with an American Exrpress Black Card want to talk about?"
A) Money
B) Spending Money
C) Something That Doesn't Involve Money
D) Both A) and B).

DeShawn's answer was somewhat predictable, I was guessing (insert nice brand) car as my first choice, with house as my second choice. At the end of the day I'm just glad that I have the inution needed to understand what the modern NBA player wants to talk about. DeShawn has probably been my favorite player this season before he answered my question, and he has certainly sealed up the spot for the season now. Caron and Antawn have ranked 2 and 3 respectively. Gil plummeted from 1 to 4 this season, I don't really want to get into that though.

Varrejo eats dick.

Time For Me to Un-Give Up On this Wizards Season

Caron Butler is back in the Wizards starting lineup tonight against Cleveland. Do I really need to say anything else?

DeShawn Stevenson Can't Feel His Face While Bowling Either

As advertised by his t-shirt in this picture stolen from the DC Sports Bog, Deshawn's facial nerves are experiencing technical difficulties while bowling. I have no proof of this but I can say with 93.9% confidence that he makes his signature gesture after rolling strikes in the same way he does after dunking on someone or making a good shot.

I would pay cash dollar$ to see a video of DeShawn rolling three consecutive strikes on the final frame to come from behind to win a round, especially if he was bowling against Chris Paul or any other member of the Hornets.

The beard he's sporting for the beard growing contest he's holding with Chicago Bulls forward and all around bamma Drew Gooden is clearly doing well. It is the kind of beard that I would expect to see at a bowling alley rather than on a basketball court so its fitting that DeShawn is a bowler. I suppose its also the kind of beard you would don when you have a $20,000 straight cash bet that the other guy will shave his beard first.

*Bonus: Note that in spite of the general clownishness of DeShawn's shoes, they are in fact not bowling shoes, but what appear to be low top Chuck's with some chunky red laces.

*Bonus 2: In case you aren't familiar with DeShawn's "I can't feel my face," gesture or just enjoy watching him do, he performs it after dunking on the Pistons at the end of this low resolution video.

Caron's Injury is Worse Than They Thought

Maybe the Wizards are done. It turns out Caron Butler has more than just a hip flexor strain: a torn labrum. He's being reevaluated next week. Here's something from the Mayo Clinic website about the torn labrum:

The socket of your hip joint (acetabulum) is lined by cartilage called your labrum. This cartilage provides stability and cushioning for your hip joint, allowing the ball of your thighbone (femur) to move smoothly and painlessly in the socket.

Treatment

Many hip labral tears cause no signs or symptoms and need no treatment. However, when treatment is necessary it may include:

• Physical therapy. Exercises to maximize hip range of motion and hip strength and stability can help to improve symptoms. A physical therapist also can analyze the movements you perform that put stress on your hip joint and help you avoid these forces.
• Corticosteroid injections. A corticosteroid injection into the hip joint can help provide pain relief and reduce joint inflammation. These injections are performed under X-ray or ultrasound guidance.
• Pain medications. Acetaminophen (Tylenol, others) and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) can provide pain relief. NSAIDs include such over-the-counter (OTC) medications as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) and naproxen (Aleve, others).

Arthroscopic surgery
If you have a hip labral tear and experience hip pain for more than four weeks, your doctor may recommend a surgical procedure called hip arthroscopy.

During hip arthroscopy, an orthopedic surgeon inserts a flexible, drinking-straw-sized instrument (arthroscope) into your joint space through a small incision in your skin. The arthroscope is fitted with a lighting system and tiny camera, enabling the surgeon to see into your joint.

Once the surgeon can see the joint, the specialized instruments needed to perform the procedure are inserted through small accessory incisions. Depending on the cause and extent of the tear, the surgeon may cut out and remove the torn piece of labrum or repair the torn cartilage with a suture procedure.

DeShawn Stevenson: A Real American Hero

DAGGER!



According to the stats on NBA.com, he's Mister 38.3 this year, not Mister 50. But he earned his keep in tonight's game.

*Note from Professor Swag: It is assumed that DeShawn is most likely currently experiencing difficulties feeling his face in the wake of such a daggerous performance. His tremendous beard certainly can't be helping.

I Hate Lebron, I Hate Lebron, I Hate Lebron...

That foul the cheating ass refs called on Brendan Haywood with 7 second left was nowhere shy of complete bullshit. C'mon NBA, you're riding Lebron's cock a little too hard. The only gratifying thing about the whole experience was the fact that when Cleveland got the ball with about 25 seconds left, I called exactly what was going to happen. My prediction: Lebron would drive and shoot creating one of two possible scenarios:
1. Lebron makes it and Cleveland wins fair and square
2. Lebron misses, the refs wait to see that he misses, then call a foul on whoever its convenient to call a foul on. officiating

Scenario 2 is the one that panned out. My favorite part was how the repeated replays confirmed the fact that the ref along the baseline in the back corner did not even put the whistle into his mouth until he saw the ball miss. This was one of those classic Cleveland vs. Washington games where the refs can either call a travel on Lebron at the end of the game, or give him a foul. I think you can guess the call they always make.
Also, mother fuck a Damon Jones and his mother fucking mohawk. You may have had 27 points tonight, but you still only average 5.9 a game this season and 6.7 for your career, you fucking suck ass bitch.