I, Too am Experiencing Difficulties With My Face's Sense of Touch

It's been over 12 hours since the Wizards completed their glorious, glorious rout of the Cavaliers and I still can't feel my face. I wasn't even at the game. Furthermore, I wasn't even in DC. I was in Madison, Wisconsin. At least we have proof that DeShawn Stevenson's mutant ability to numben faces is powerful enough to cross state lines. If he continues to tamper with the face feeling ability of Americans, change his appearance to look increasingly naZtee, DeShawn is bound to get a call from Professor X about joining the X-Men. Dude is a freak.

The real question is, why can't non-Comcast announcers get the name of DeShawn's patented gesture right? They need to call up the US Patent Office and look up US Patent No. 6981182, which specifies DeShawn's ownership of the "I Can't Feel My Face gesture." DeShawn acquired the rights to the "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture from Tony Yayo in 2006 for a 1972 Chevy Impala and a blue and white diamond studded platinum chain reading simply, Premium in script lettering. Despite legal ownership, the TNT announcers kept issuing remarks like "Oh, DeShawn is invisible again" during moments when DeShawn clearly was experiencing technical difficulties with the sense of touch in his facial region. TNT needs to step their announcing game up.

I'm really glad DeShawn plays for the Wizards. He's the kind of asshole you love when he plays for your team, but you absolutely loathe if he's playing against you. I appreciate that the video of DeShawn doing what he does best is titled "DeShawn Stevenson thinks humility is overrated." The person who posted this video failed to recognize that DeShawn never thinks anything. DeShawn only knows.

I hope feeling has left DeShawn's face indefinitely, or at least until Sunday at about 4:30pm EDT.


Bonus: I have a two blog mohawking streak going right now.

KG, Celtics Can Lick Jamison's, Wizards' Nutzz

I don't even have to say anything, the video summarizes the Wizards relationship with the NBA's "best" team.

Ryan Zimmerman, a National Hero

Ryan Zimmerman just hit his eighth career walk-off hit, his fourth career walk-off homer for the Nationals. As soon as the pinch-runner scored from third in the top of the 9th, tying the score and ensuring there would be a bottom of the 9th, Professor Remix wrote down "walk off homer" in his notebook. Actually, he just said it out loud, but that's because the Professor didn't have to waste paper on what he already knew would happen (it happens so often we could just use a stock photo instead of a fresh one from the game). Sure enough, with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, Ryan Zimmerman belted one straight out of there for the win.


To clarify a point, right before the RZA (as the DC Sports Bog calls him, named after one of the best producers of Mr. Zimmerman's favorite genre of music) finished the first game in the new Nationals Park, the announcers said that he was "63 inches tall." This may be the height of former Nats utilityman Jamey Carroll, but Zimmerman is actually 75 inches tall, or 6'3".

Also: big shout out to George W. Bush, who threw out the first pitch and provided color commentary from the booth. As a baseball guy, George W. Bush is alright in my book. I don't hold a grudge against him for being put in charge of a country he can't run.

Professor Swag's Bonus of the Day: Perhaps my favorite part of Ryan Zimmerman's home run, aside from it winning the game, was his reaction as he watched the ball rocket it's way into the stands. ESPN only showed my favorite clip once, probably due to the nature of it, but it was still a great moment in Nationals history. If you watched the only once aired footage of Zimmerman's reaction to the ball before he reached first base you would have noticed him staring intensely at the ball and screaming, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" followed by the "YEAHHHHH!" which they showed so many times. I think it's safe to say that Zimmerman's "GET THE FUCK OUT!" was the first time in new Nationals Park history that the ball has successfully listened to a player's command. Hopefully there's some kind of magic in the new ballpark which allows the Nationals to control the ball in times of great need.

The new park has already created a new linguistic use of the word "spunk" with Lastings Milledge's statement to WTOP.com that "[Nationals Park] is going spunk us up." I guess Mistah Millz knew something about the new ballpark that we didn't. I'm glad Zimmerman took the time to define what being "spunked up" actually means for us last night. It's a good thing to know. Furthermore, if Zimmerman's hit didn't spunk you up, check your pulse, or check your ass on to your flight back to Atlanta.

SHUT EM DOWN!

MMM, delicious! How does it taste Lebron? Nice last shot there. It was so good DeShawn couldn't feel his face afterwards. That's some special spice right there. Thanks for being a class act though, and doing something besides walking directly to the locker room after making the game losing shot. While you're 25-7-7 looks good on paper, when you take DeShawn holding your ass to 40% shooting into account, your game doesn't look quite so tasty does it. Maybe I forgot to mention the icing, a scrumptious 1-7 from three point land, and a delicious 7 turnovers.

Time For Me to Un-Give Up On this Wizards Season

Caron Butler is back in the Wizards starting lineup tonight against Cleveland. Do I really need to say anything else?

Michigan State is Ugly, Badgers Play Pretty

Michigan State has some formidably unattractive players, no Romo. It's pretty remarkable. I thought the Badger's big white guys were ugly. When your star center is noted for looking like a polar bear and his backup is noted for looking like something worse than a polar bear, you would think thats about as ugly as you could get. Michigan State's centers manage to overcome some long odds to out ugly Brian Butch and Greg Stiemsma. Next to Goran Suton and Drew Naymick, Butch and Stiemsma look like David Beckham and Matthew fucking Mcconaughey, no Romo.

The only things balancing out the dreadful aura of ugly on the floor was the Badgers excruciatingly efficient play on both sides of the ball, and of course the always lovely Erin Andrews. The Badgers committed a school record single turnover as they held the Spartans to 42 points on 35% shooting. Butch led the way for the Badgers with 16 points, managing to hit, as Dick Vitale would refer to them, "four trifectas, baby," despite resembling a member of another species.

During a lull in the game Bret Musburger, who was calling the game, refered to Erin Andrews as the "person everybody wants to see on YouTube" and the real star of the crew. To this Andrews responded, "You're the star Brent, I've been wearing sunglasses all day."

At this point in time Musburger went off on a tangent about the Nitty Gritty and how the previous night there had been 53 birthday's there, and there was beer and hamburgers. Based on this I'm guessing that the ESPN crew had been out at the Nitty knocking back a few with Badger fans. Well perhaps more than a few if Andrews needed to wear her sunglasses all day. That's quite a hangover Erin.

Is there anyone who was at the Nitty last night who may have seen Erin Andrews and/or Brent Musburger or any of the rest of the ESPN crew there? I know readership isn't very big, but it would be cool to confirm that she was there.

DeShawn Stevenson: A Real American Hero

DAGGER!



According to the stats on NBA.com, he's Mister 38.3 this year, not Mister 50. But he earned his keep in tonight's game.

*Note from Professor Swag: It is assumed that DeShawn is most likely currently experiencing difficulties feeling his face in the wake of such a daggerous performance. His tremendous beard certainly can't be helping.