KG, Celtics Can Lick Jamison's, Wizards' Nutzz

I don't even have to say anything, the video summarizes the Wizards relationship with the NBA's "best" team.

DeShawn Stevenson Answers the All Important Question I Asked Him

The same email I recieved from the Wizards informing me that Caron would be retunring also held DeShawn Stevenson's answers to his mailbag, where fans get to write in and ask DeShawn questions about anything and everything. Who's question did he answer first? Professor Swag's of course. Yeahhhh. My question was eloquently stated as per usual:

Nick M. aka Professor Swag: What is your favorite thing that you have ever bought?

DeShawn Stevenson: My favorite thing that I ever bought was probably my first car. I got it when I first came in the league, it was a nice Lexus truck.

Having the opportunity to ask DeShawn Stevenson a question isn't the type of thing a couch bound "journalist" gets to do every day, I had to make sure to pick the right question. I must have spent five good minutes thinking of questions along the lines of "If I were DeShawn Stevenson, what would I want to talk about more than anything?" The first thing I did was narrow it down to, "Who would a person who tatoos Stevenson and 2 on his back jersey style want to talk about?" The answer was clearly that Mr. Stevenson #2 would want to talk about Mr. Stevenson #2. Still, I needed to go further. Next, I recalled the picture (above) from DeShawn's (in?)famous MySpace page. This narrowed it down pretty significantly to today's offical Professor Swag question of the day: "What would a man who sports a grill spelling about Papa Smurf in diamondz and poses with an American Exrpress Black Card want to talk about?"
A) Money
B) Spending Money
C) Something That Doesn't Involve Money
D) Both A) and B).

DeShawn's answer was somewhat predictable, I was guessing (insert nice brand) car as my first choice, with house as my second choice. At the end of the day I'm just glad that I have the inution needed to understand what the modern NBA player wants to talk about. DeShawn has probably been my favorite player this season before he answered my question, and he has certainly sealed up the spot for the season now. Caron and Antawn have ranked 2 and 3 respectively. Gil plummeted from 1 to 4 this season, I don't really want to get into that though.

Varrejo eats dick.

DeShawn Stevenson: A Real American Hero

DAGGER!



According to the stats on NBA.com, he's Mister 38.3 this year, not Mister 50. But he earned his keep in tonight's game.

*Note from Professor Swag: It is assumed that DeShawn is most likely currently experiencing difficulties feeling his face in the wake of such a daggerous performance. His tremendous beard certainly can't be helping.

The New Lebron Shoe

My colleague Professor Swag mentioned Lebron James's ref-assisted heroics against the Wizards on Friday. I don't want to hate on Lebron, I want to help him out with a business idea. It goes along with his line of shoes and it's called Lebron's Frequent Traveler Program. It's basically like frequent-flier miles, except instead of getting points for flying on a particular airline, you get points for traveling while wearing Lebron's shoes. If you get away with the travel, you get a bonus point. You can turn in the points to get free shoes, or the right to travel more.

Anybody can use Lebron's Frequent Traveler Program, but of course nobody can use it as well as Lebron himself. My suggestion to him is to earn as many miles as he can during the regular season, and then if the Cavs are playing the Wizards, he can cash in all those miles and travel all over the place during the fourth quarter. It won't matter because Eddie Jordan will have invented the Don't Let Lebron Get Away With Shit Defense in which Andray Blatche and Brendan Haywood pre-empt the cheap fouls by punching him in the arm so he can't make free throws.

Kevin Durant Eats His Own Booger

That must be a Texas thing because theres no way he learned that growing up in DC. The video is kinda annoying, but its still naztee.

I Hate Lebron, I Hate Lebron, I Hate Lebron...

That foul the cheating ass refs called on Brendan Haywood with 7 second left was nowhere shy of complete bullshit. C'mon NBA, you're riding Lebron's cock a little too hard. The only gratifying thing about the whole experience was the fact that when Cleveland got the ball with about 25 seconds left, I called exactly what was going to happen. My prediction: Lebron would drive and shoot creating one of two possible scenarios:
1. Lebron makes it and Cleveland wins fair and square
2. Lebron misses, the refs wait to see that he misses, then call a foul on whoever its convenient to call a foul on. officiating

Scenario 2 is the one that panned out. My favorite part was how the repeated replays confirmed the fact that the ref along the baseline in the back corner did not even put the whistle into his mouth until he saw the ball miss. This was one of those classic Cleveland vs. Washington games where the refs can either call a travel on Lebron at the end of the game, or give him a foul. I think you can guess the call they always make.
Also, mother fuck a Damon Jones and his mother fucking mohawk. You may have had 27 points tonight, but you still only average 5.9 a game this season and 6.7 for your career, you fucking suck ass bitch.

In Defense of the Cheerleader

Recently there’s been a flurry on internets and cable news over this picture and several others portraying members of the Sacramento Kings cheerleading squad binge drinking and performing quasi-sexually unacceptable acts with one another. I’d like to come to their defense. First of all, when your work day is over and you’re ready to finally break out and have some fun with your coworkers, is it a crime to do so in your work clothes? I know I’ve gone out drinking with my friends in my work attire and no one threw a hissy fit over that. I think throughout this whole thing people are forgetting that they’re required to wear those midriff exposing jerseys for their job. Cheerleading demands some of the most specific garb of any job in America. The only jobs I can think of off the top of my head which require attire more specific than cheerleader are Catholic Priest and Marlboro Man.

Secondly, is it a crime for some young ladies to have a drink, or an entire bottle of champagne? Old ladies do that shit all the time, they just call it “book group.” Drinking shouldn’t be a capital offense just because you look good doing it.

Thirdly, c’mon. They’re some cheerleaders. Find me a picture of two nuns doing the same shit in cutoff nun’s habits and then maybe you’ll have a story. It would also be a story if you found a good looking nun.

-Professor Swag

The Dwight Howard Controversy

Professor Remix here to give a guest lecture on evaluation of evidence.

Dwight Howard won the NBA's Slam Dunk contest with a variety of ballin' dunks, although I still think that someone could have beaten him by performing the DozNut dunk, in which the DOZR stands under the basket and the player jumps and dunks and lands his nuts on the DOZR's face. If you don't know who the DOZR is, we'll do an in-depth athlete profile later.

The most controversial dunk that Howard did was the Superman dunk, in which he jumped off both feet, elevated several feet before the basket, and threw the ball threw the rim before returning to Earth. Several fans were upset that he did not touch the rim, and suggested that he be disqualified for failing to dunk.
Let's examine the dunk in question.

To perform a dunk, you must "throw it down, big man, throw it down."

The following questions must be asked.
1. Did Mr. Howard throw "it" down?
2. Is Master Howard a big man?
3. Did gentleman Howard throw it down?


1. First we must ask what "it" is. Is it a basketball? The evidence shows that Dwight Howard was clearly holding a basketball. Next we must determine if the basketball was thrown, and, if so, if it was thrown down. Video evidence shows that the basketball was thrown with almost no arc, and this helpful diagram illustrates that the direction it was thrown was down.

2. Dwight Howard is 6'11", and weighs 265 pounds, which is considered a "big" size for a person. He is an adult human male, or "man."

3. We already answered this. Pay attention in class.*

Some people will say that even if he did "throw it down, big man, throw it down" the dunk shouldn't count because he meant to throw it down directly above the rim. Well, a lot of people made history doing things by accident that they didn't mean to do. Mohammad Atta organized a group of people to go hijack some planes and go joyriding around New York City and the D.C. area but when they accidentally crashed into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon it still counted as a famous terrorist attack.

If you want to protest something in basketball, protest the injuries to Caron, Gil, and AD.

*Professor Remix does not advocate paying attention in any classes except those taught by Professor Swag and associates.