Birds in the Nationals Stadium

Screech, the overweight flightless eagle who is unfortunately the Nationals' mascot, is apparently not the only bird around. Last night, a big motherfucking great horned owl, flew across the stadium just above scoreboard height right before the top of the 8th. And just a few minutes ago, at the top of the eighth tonight, some small black bird was slowly calmly walking around in front of Felipe Lopez, like a citizen of our fine city crossing the street through traffic. A grounder scattered him to the outfield, but he remains in right field right by the foul line as the game is in progress.

How do I know this?

Professor Remix is sitting in the goddamn press box because this blog has press credentials. If you're wondering why I'm not writing about the game, it's because the Nationals are getting killed.

UPDATE: Bird just flew across the infield. He is just asking for a Randy Johnson incident.

Dmitri Young Bobblehead Not Lovably Obese Enough

Thursday, May 1 is Dmitri Young Bobblehead Night when the Nationals take on Pittsburgh at Nationals Park. I received this picture of Dmitri's bobblehead from the Nationals' Ticketing office, and I must say that I am disappointed with it. For a man who's nicknamed "Da Meat Hook" and checked into training camp at a hearty 297 pounds, there doesn't appear to be a whole lot of "meat" on his bobblehead's frame. I wonder if Jim Bowden intentionally had them manufactured with the dimensions Dmitri promised to show up at camp sporting. The only other possibility I see is the young Chinese children manufacturing Da Meat Hook's bobblehead simply couldn't believe a man of Dmitri's stature truly existed, since Da Meat Hook most likely packs down more food in a single sitting than each of their families eat in a week, combined. Rice prices are at critical levels right now.

My second complaint is what the hell is he doing with his arms? The Soulja Boy? That song and it's accompanying dance have been old since last baseball season. If you had Dmitri Young Bobblehead Night last August, having Da Meat Hook posed crankin' dat would have made sense. Eight months later, Soulja Boy fans have moved on to his latest "songs" including "YAHH! (feat. A-Rab)" and "Get Silly" by V.I.C. (feat. Soulja Boy). Either that, or Da Meat Hook is getting ready to lay the smack down on some pitcher who made the mistake of throwing the ball behind Dmitri's head. That I would approve of.

I, Too am Experiencing Difficulties With My Face's Sense of Touch

It's been over 12 hours since the Wizards completed their glorious, glorious rout of the Cavaliers and I still can't feel my face. I wasn't even at the game. Furthermore, I wasn't even in DC. I was in Madison, Wisconsin. At least we have proof that DeShawn Stevenson's mutant ability to numben faces is powerful enough to cross state lines. If he continues to tamper with the face feeling ability of Americans, change his appearance to look increasingly naZtee, DeShawn is bound to get a call from Professor X about joining the X-Men. Dude is a freak.

The real question is, why can't non-Comcast announcers get the name of DeShawn's patented gesture right? They need to call up the US Patent Office and look up US Patent No. 6981182, which specifies DeShawn's ownership of the "I Can't Feel My Face gesture." DeShawn acquired the rights to the "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture from Tony Yayo in 2006 for a 1972 Chevy Impala and a blue and white diamond studded platinum chain reading simply, Premium in script lettering. Despite legal ownership, the TNT announcers kept issuing remarks like "Oh, DeShawn is invisible again" during moments when DeShawn clearly was experiencing technical difficulties with the sense of touch in his facial region. TNT needs to step their announcing game up.

I'm really glad DeShawn plays for the Wizards. He's the kind of asshole you love when he plays for your team, but you absolutely loathe if he's playing against you. I appreciate that the video of DeShawn doing what he does best is titled "DeShawn Stevenson thinks humility is overrated." The person who posted this video failed to recognize that DeShawn never thinks anything. DeShawn only knows.

I hope feeling has left DeShawn's face indefinitely, or at least until Sunday at about 4:30pm EDT.


Bonus: I have a two blog mohawking streak going right now.

The Snyder Intent on Giving Up as Much as Possible for Ocho Cinco

The Redskins offered their 2008 first round pick and a conditional third round pick in 2009 which would become a first round pick if certain performance levels were met to the Bengals for Chad Johnson. Although the Bengals rejected the offer, my gut reaction to it was, "Hell yeah, let's get Ocho Cinco!" I've loved Chad Johnson for a number of seasons for a number of reasons. First of all, he's fucking good, no need to really elaborate on this one. Secondly, unlike all of our receivers the last two seasons, Chad Johnson doesn't pull his hamstring or groin every other Sunday despite dancing 93.9% than our entire receiving corps combined. Finally, #85 fits the mold of the beloved DC athlete: he's quirky and, at the same time, kind of an asshole. Chad can be thought of as the Gilbert Arenas of the NFL, if in no other way than the number, quality of self-applied nicknames.

However, when I actually take a minute to sit back and inspect the offer, I start to think trading for Ocho Cinco is a bad idea. Is Chad Johnson really worth the two first round picks he would garner should he meet the performance levels specified in the offer? The only reason I would say "maybe" is because the Redskins draft so poorly that our first round picks are bound to suck for at least the next two seasons. We did too good a job picking Laron Landry in 2007 to do a competent job any time in the next couple drafts. I'm predicting the Redskins manage to draft both another Michael Westbrook and a Heath Shuler during the next five years.

Then theres the all out deal breaker. Frankly, every Redskins fan should have realized this by now, but in case you haven't (and you actually happen to read this), I'll let you know why I know trading for Chad Johnson is an awful idea: Dan Snyder wants to make the trade.

Redskins Fact #3: Anything Dan Snyder wants is probably great for some teams, but the Washington Redskins are not among those teams.

I think I'll let this tidbit from Jason La Canfora's Redskins Insider make my argument for me: Dan Snyder wanted Ted Ginn in the 2007 draft.

I guess I can't help but also point out the gross incompetence with which the 2007 coach search was undertaken: "We hired this guy to be our offensive coordinator. Oh, wait, did I say offensive coordinator? What I really meant to say was head coach. Yeah...head coach." You should feel free to insert wink(s) into that quote wherever you feel they are appropriate.

I'm worried that The Snyder is inevitably going to make an offer for Chad Johnson that's even worse than the one it already made. When The Snyder gets its mind made up on something, it generally does everything in it's deep-pocketed power to make sure it gets what it wants. By the time this is done with, The Snyder will have probably managed to trade the Redskins first, second, third, and sixth round picks, and through some sort of trickery, two of the Falcons 2008 draft picks, for Chad Johnson and the Bengals seventh round pick.

When Your Team Shares a Name With the Leader of the KKK, it May Not Be Best to Call for a "White-Out"

When I checked my email this morning I noticed I had received two emails from Wizards Wire advising me that the Wizards had a "White-Out Playoff Offer" for me. The first thing I thought of when I saw the "Wizards" were advertising a "White-Out" was the Ku Klux Klan related controversy which sprang up during the process of renaming the "Bullets" the "Wizards. Pastor Morris Shearin, the first vice president of the Washington, D.C., NAACP and a member of the board of the national NAACP, raised protest over the Washington franchise's rebranding as the "Wizards" because an "Imperial Wizard" is the supreme leader of the Ku Klan Klan.*

Maybe it's just me, but in light of the above controversy, I found the following release from the Wizards reasonably comedic:

All persons attending the games at Verizon Center are advised that 'White-Out' conditions are expected in downtown, Washington DC.

I feel like I don't really need to say anything about how Klan members, including the "Imperial Wizard" dress in all white themselves. If you're one of those people who wear actual wizard-styled hats while cheering on the Wizards, I would recommend leaving your white wizard-styled hat at home during the "White-Out."

In spite of the low levels of hilarity the "White Out" produces, the only thing it really changes is Wizards fans will now have the privilege of watching the refs cheat Lebron and Cavs to inevitable, horrible victory while dressed in white. I feel bad because I know the Cavs are going to win the series and I also know the Cavs are going to win the series because of the increased number of "Lebron calls" that Lebron gets in the playoffs, especially against the Wizards.

*Bonus: The finalists in the 1997 Bullets renaming contest were the Dragons, Express, Stallions, Sea Dogs, and Wizards. Can you guess which of the finalists aside from Wizards also brought the scorn of the NAACP? The answer is the Dragons. A "Grand Dragon" is the Klan leader of a specific state, operating directly under the powers of the Imperial Wizard. This begs the question, how the hell did the two highest KKK titles end up as finalists in the naming contest for an NBA team in Washington DC?

Nationals Fall Short of Losing 10th Straight

The Nationals fell just a single game shy of their first double digit losing streak of the 2008 campaign with their victory over the Braves today. I'm glad the Nationals pulled out the victory because I don't even want to know what catcher Paul Lo Duca would have said after another (10th) loss. After loss #9 he dropped this gem:

"You could bring a squirrel in here and he's going to do better than we've been playing."

You know things are bad when your starting catcher is claiming a single, small rodent could outdo your entire team. The reasoning behind Lo Duca's outright confidence in the baseball abilities of a squirrel could stem from Bugs Bunny's single-handed defeat of the Gas-House Gorillas in the Looney Toons classic "Baseball Bugs."



Still, you can't have the same kind of confidence in a squirrel than you can in Bugs Bunny. It's not every day you meet a rabbit capable of simultaneously playing every position on the baseball field. Furthermore, we know Bugs is loaded with general athletic talent. After all, "Space Jam" showed the world that Bugs is also a basketball superstar, worthy of both Michael Jordan's and Bill Murray's praise.

The Nationals should sign Bugs to a coaching contract as an assistant to pitching coach Randy St. Claire. Jason Bergmann, demoted yesterday to AAA Columbus, would definitely benefit from adding Bugs' self-described "perplexing slowball" to his pitching repertoire. Bugs' slowball is the greatest pitch in the history of baseball: it's the only single pitch to successfully strike out the entire side. Plus hiring Bugs as assistant pitching coach could only make the Nationals season more wacky/delightful. This would especially be the case after the Atlanta Braves fire Bobby Cox following the All Star Break and hire venerable, southern rooster Foghorn Leghorn as interim manager. Suh, I said suh...

KG, Celtics Can Lick Jamison's, Wizards' Nutzz

I don't even have to say anything, the video summarizes the Wizards relationship with the NBA's "best" team.

Badger Athletic Ticket Office Corrects Some Flaws, but Is Still Missing the Point

Today, the Badger student population received an email from the Wisconsin Athletic Ticket Office informing us that they are changing the system for distributing student season football tickets in several major ways. If you're a Badger football fan, you probably already know the changes well enough to have reacted to them with more than a few expletives; otherwise you probably don't care and should stop reading this post unless you're really bored or something. It's pretty long.

Here's a summary of the main changes to the student ticket distribution process as explained on the Badger Athletics website:

(1). All student tickets will now be distributed by lottery.
(2). Student tickets will no longer be mailed, and must now be picked up from the Athletic Ticket Office between August 18th and September 19th.
(3). Students will no longer be assigned a specific seat, and will now be issued a wristband simply granting them access to a "specific section area" (i.e. M, N, O, P).
(4). Section P is no longer exclusive to upper-classmen.

While I can't say I completely approve of them, changes (2)-(4) to the distribution policy are all understandable, at least in part.

Lets start with change (2) (students must pickup tickets, rather than having their vouchers mailed to them). While I never personally had issues receiving my football tickets in the mail, it's more than reasonable to postulate that mass-mailing 10,000+ sets of tickets creates a number of problems. Students purchasing tickets can give a wrong address, resulting in the tickets being sent somewhere besides their intended destination. The Ticket Office also inevitably loses the tickets of a few students in the mailing process, due simply to the sheer volume of tickets they have to handle. Finally, mailing tickets to students incurs postage and labor costs which are eliminated by making students pick up their own tickets.

On a basic level, I agree with the Ticket Office's decision to make we, the students pick up our own football tickets. This policy solves a number of problems and puts the responsibility for having tickets by the start of the season (August 30 vs. Akron) in the hands of the students who will be using the tickets. If you really care about seeing all the games, you'll make sure to get your tickets before kickoff of the first game. If you're one of those people who spends the entire first quarter drinking and usually shows up sometime halfway through the second quarter, you'll likely miss at least the first game.

Still, the Ticket Office's pickup schedule is flawed. August 18 is too late a date to open the voucher pickup process. A better date to start the process would be August 13, the day before most leases in Madison expire. Many students come to Madison for the move on August 14th/15th and then return home to continue working or whatever else might need to be done at home until shortly before the school year starts. Starting the voucher pickup process on the 13th would make it easy for such students to swing by the Athletic Ticket Office on the day before or after their move to their new apartment, house, etc. to pick up their football tickets.

While I'm not saying that moving the date back to August 13 from August 18 will necessarily have a significant impact on this, the Ticket Office better have a good plan in place for distributing a large amount of tickets on August 30, the day of the first home game. College students have a generally high moment of inertia when it comes to fulfilling obligations (i.e. doing papers the night before their due). The result of this high moment of inertia will be swaths of students who haven't picked up their tickets prior to the first game. This opening gameday rush will only be compounded by the fact that the top priority for many students upon returning to Madison is seeing friends who they may not have seen all summer, not picking up football tickets. Basically, the Ticket Office better be on point and ready to deal with liquored up students trying to pick their tickets up on August 30.

Change (3) (wristbands guaranteeing access to a section rather than a specific seat) makes the most sense of all the changes and I take no issue with it. Being merely granted access to a general section was already the de facto system, at least in the three seasons I've been attending Badger football games in the student section. Students arriving early to games will still be able to claim the near-field seats they covet.

The wristband system also alleviates a problem which affected a group of my friends last year. They arrived at a game only to find the seats on their tickets occupied, so, not being assholes, they moved to the best available seats within their section. Sometime during the second quarter another group of students arrived demanding to sit in the exact seat numbers listed on their tickets, which my friends now occupied. After my friends refused and told the contesting group to "deal," the contesting group returned to their seats with a police officer, who promptly made my friends move. However, when my friends asked the officer to take them to the seats promised on their tickets, he refused, not wanting to start a never ending chain of moving students around to their actual seats. As result, my friends were forced even higher in the section. The old system simply wasn't just for that reason, and the new wristband system fixes that problem.

Change (4) (Section P no longer exclusively upper-classman) is largely inconsequential, unless you're an upper-classman who really cares about being surrounded exclusively by other upper-classmen. I've had upper-classman tickets for the past two seasons and have yet to sit in Section P, so it could just be me, but I don't feel like change (4) is ultimately very important.

If you've made it through the prior 939 words then you've made it long enough to hear my ultimate complaint, which lies both with and, in a sense, beyond Change (1) (all student tickets awarded by lottery). Before I get to my major complaint, I must first remark that the size of the student section increased to 14,000 for the 2008-2009 season, from 10,500 in prior seasons, which is a step in the direction I desire.

However, even with the increased number of available student tickets, the lottery system is fundamentally flawed. Under the new lottery system, 2,000 football tickets are guaranteed to each year, freshman through senior, with 500 tickets allocated to graduate students, and the remaining 5,500 granted by a lottery where seniors have four chances to win, juniors three, sophomores two, and freshman a single chance to win.

The number of tickets each class receives is besides the ultimate point I'm trying to make, however. Every Wisconsin college student who wants to attend Wisconsin college football games should be able to do so. The lottery will probably allocate student tickets more fairly than the previous system, but even this revised system is inherently unfair because there are students who want football tickets who are unable to receive them.

I know that student tickets are priced at a face value which is well below their actual value in the resale market. Therefore, there is an incentive for the Athletic Department to sell as few student tickets as will prevent controversy. Selling more of the significantly higher priced non-student season tickets results in greater profits for the Athletic Department, and profits seem to be their ultimate goal. I'm arguing that the experience of Badger students (a non-market value), for and from whom the Badger football team exists, should be more important than the Athletic Departments' desire to capture higher profits.

As much as I hate to hold the [goddamn] Univeristy of Michigan up as any kind of standard, the Wolverines distribute their student football tickets in a better manner than the University of Wisconsin-Madison currently does, or for that matter, ever did. Every Michigan student who wants season football tickets can have them, so long as he or she applies during a specified registration period. What I propose is for the UW Athletic Department to change the student football ticket lottery registration period of June 15-30, to an outright student football ticket registration period in the light of Michigan's. Under my alternative systen, if you are a UW student attending UW during the fall semester and you register (and pay) for tickets between June 15 and June 30, you will have tickets when football season comes around. I know Camp Randall doesn't have the benefit of holding 110,000+ fans like Michigan's "Big House" does, but I feel our 80,500 seats could adequately accommodate all UW students who want to attend games, and enough "general" Badger fans to make everyone happy.


NOTE 1: I recognize that completely overhauling the student football ticket distribution system will create major disturbances in the short run ticket market, especially with regards to the existing "general" season ticket holders and the student ticket resale market. I don't really want to get into that right now because that would another 1,500 words worth of analysis. Just know that in the long run, allowing all students desiring season football tickets to have them would improve the Badger football experience more than it detracted from it, in my opinion. Perhaps I'll post what I would expect to happen should the Athletic Ticket Department change to my proposed system tomorrow, when I have more time, motivation.

And So It Begins...

After a glorious three game win streak to start the season, the Nats have hit their first skid of the 2008 season, of the four game variety. This leads me to ask the following horrible, inevitable questions: Did the Nationals season peak in the first week of the season? Will we ever see that special light that shines north of the .500 mark again? Is the only truly feel-good story of this season going to be the opening of [shining-ass] Nationals Park?

Professor Swag will go ahead and answer his own scientific queries with a number of yeses Dick Vitale would most likely refer to as a "Trifecta, baby!" As for the first question, I don't think much shy of a World Series can outdo an opening night, nationally televised, walk-off homerun victory to open a brand new ballpark. The second yes is somewhat more hopeful. While I don't predict we will finish the season above .500 (merely near it), we have back to back games coming up against the Marlins at home and victories in both would again propel us once again into that cherished territory beyond mediocrity. The final yes confirms merely that we will not make the playoffs this season.

However, I would also argue that there is a question more important, and perhaps more scientific than the previous three: Does it really matter?

The answer here is a resounding "Hell, no." I know I'm trying to reach my last years goal of attending 20 games, even if we end up where all the critics, pundits, and general hating-ass bitches who get paid to talk about sports for some reason (think Skip Bayless) predicted the Nationals would finish the season: in the cellar. My basic attitude on this Nationals season is perhaps espoused best by Lil' Wayne in "Live from the 504"

Money controls where i go
It is tha sale to my boat
And [if] its goin down its goin down like theres a whale in tha boat

You just have to replace the word the word "Money" with "Nationals." I would prefer the Nationals win 90 games and make the playoffs, but that can't be counted on. What can be counted on is the Nationals playing 81 home games and me trying to be in attendance for at least 20 of them. The new park, especially after having been forced to witness the 14 games I went to last year in the grimy, decrepit RFK, is that much of a draw. All of my friends, including those who don't particularly care for baseball seem to generally share my view. Tailgaiting at least one game real grandé with a party of 20+ people would be a plus.

Here at the University of Wisconsin-Madison where the Professor makes his studies, there is a popular saying which is printed onto a popular t-shirt worn on Badger football Saturday's which I would like to co-op as my summary attitude for the 2008 Nationals season. That t-shirt reads, "Win or Lose, We Still Booze." Even if the Nats aren't good, we can still have a good time, hope our $7.50 souvenir beer cups remain at least half-full, and leave Nationals Park realizing that summertime is all the balmier knowing that baseball is here to stay in the District.

Ryan Zimmerman, a National Hero

Ryan Zimmerman just hit his eighth career walk-off hit, his fourth career walk-off homer for the Nationals. As soon as the pinch-runner scored from third in the top of the 9th, tying the score and ensuring there would be a bottom of the 9th, Professor Remix wrote down "walk off homer" in his notebook. Actually, he just said it out loud, but that's because the Professor didn't have to waste paper on what he already knew would happen (it happens so often we could just use a stock photo instead of a fresh one from the game). Sure enough, with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, Ryan Zimmerman belted one straight out of there for the win.


To clarify a point, right before the RZA (as the DC Sports Bog calls him, named after one of the best producers of Mr. Zimmerman's favorite genre of music) finished the first game in the new Nationals Park, the announcers said that he was "63 inches tall." This may be the height of former Nats utilityman Jamey Carroll, but Zimmerman is actually 75 inches tall, or 6'3".

Also: big shout out to George W. Bush, who threw out the first pitch and provided color commentary from the booth. As a baseball guy, George W. Bush is alright in my book. I don't hold a grudge against him for being put in charge of a country he can't run.

Professor Swag's Bonus of the Day: Perhaps my favorite part of Ryan Zimmerman's home run, aside from it winning the game, was his reaction as he watched the ball rocket it's way into the stands. ESPN only showed my favorite clip once, probably due to the nature of it, but it was still a great moment in Nationals history. If you watched the only once aired footage of Zimmerman's reaction to the ball before he reached first base you would have noticed him staring intensely at the ball and screaming, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" followed by the "YEAHHHHH!" which they showed so many times. I think it's safe to say that Zimmerman's "GET THE FUCK OUT!" was the first time in new Nationals Park history that the ball has successfully listened to a player's command. Hopefully there's some kind of magic in the new ballpark which allows the Nationals to control the ball in times of great need.

The new park has already created a new linguistic use of the word "spunk" with Lastings Milledge's statement to WTOP.com that "[Nationals Park] is going spunk us up." I guess Mistah Millz knew something about the new ballpark that we didn't. I'm glad Zimmerman took the time to define what being "spunked up" actually means for us last night. It's a good thing to know. Furthermore, if Zimmerman's hit didn't spunk you up, check your pulse, or check your ass on to your flight back to Atlanta.