Caron's Injury is Worse Than They Thought

Maybe the Wizards are done. It turns out Caron Butler has more than just a hip flexor strain: a torn labrum. He's being reevaluated next week. Here's something from the Mayo Clinic website about the torn labrum:

The socket of your hip joint (acetabulum) is lined by cartilage called your labrum. This cartilage provides stability and cushioning for your hip joint, allowing the ball of your thighbone (femur) to move smoothly and painlessly in the socket.

Treatment

Many hip labral tears cause no signs or symptoms and need no treatment. However, when treatment is necessary it may include:

• Physical therapy. Exercises to maximize hip range of motion and hip strength and stability can help to improve symptoms. A physical therapist also can analyze the movements you perform that put stress on your hip joint and help you avoid these forces.
• Corticosteroid injections. A corticosteroid injection into the hip joint can help provide pain relief and reduce joint inflammation. These injections are performed under X-ray or ultrasound guidance.
• Pain medications. Acetaminophen (Tylenol, others) and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) can provide pain relief. NSAIDs include such over-the-counter (OTC) medications as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) and naproxen (Aleve, others).

Arthroscopic surgery
If you have a hip labral tear and experience hip pain for more than four weeks, your doctor may recommend a surgical procedure called hip arthroscopy.

During hip arthroscopy, an orthopedic surgeon inserts a flexible, drinking-straw-sized instrument (arthroscope) into your joint space through a small incision in your skin. The arthroscope is fitted with a lighting system and tiny camera, enabling the surgeon to see into your joint.

Once the surgeon can see the joint, the specialized instruments needed to perform the procedure are inserted through small accessory incisions. Depending on the cause and extent of the tear, the surgeon may cut out and remove the torn piece of labrum or repair the torn cartilage with a suture procedure.

Michigan State is Ugly, Badgers Play Pretty

Michigan State has some formidably unattractive players, no Romo. It's pretty remarkable. I thought the Badger's big white guys were ugly. When your star center is noted for looking like a polar bear and his backup is noted for looking like something worse than a polar bear, you would think thats about as ugly as you could get. Michigan State's centers manage to overcome some long odds to out ugly Brian Butch and Greg Stiemsma. Next to Goran Suton and Drew Naymick, Butch and Stiemsma look like David Beckham and Matthew fucking Mcconaughey, no Romo.

The only things balancing out the dreadful aura of ugly on the floor was the Badgers excruciatingly efficient play on both sides of the ball, and of course the always lovely Erin Andrews. The Badgers committed a school record single turnover as they held the Spartans to 42 points on 35% shooting. Butch led the way for the Badgers with 16 points, managing to hit, as Dick Vitale would refer to them, "four trifectas, baby," despite resembling a member of another species.

During a lull in the game Bret Musburger, who was calling the game, refered to Erin Andrews as the "person everybody wants to see on YouTube" and the real star of the crew. To this Andrews responded, "You're the star Brent, I've been wearing sunglasses all day."

At this point in time Musburger went off on a tangent about the Nitty Gritty and how the previous night there had been 53 birthday's there, and there was beer and hamburgers. Based on this I'm guessing that the ESPN crew had been out at the Nitty knocking back a few with Badger fans. Well perhaps more than a few if Andrews needed to wear her sunglasses all day. That's quite a hangover Erin.

Is there anyone who was at the Nitty last night who may have seen Erin Andrews and/or Brent Musburger or any of the rest of the ESPN crew there? I know readership isn't very big, but it would be cool to confirm that she was there.

Milledge Has the Green Light on the Basepaths, to High Five Me Whenever He Wants

Manny Acta has given center fielder Lastings Milledge the green light to steal whenever he wants, so long as he keeps his base stealing percent over 74%. The Mets never afforded Yung Millz such freedom on basepaths, giving him nine total steal attempts over the two seasons he was in New York. I suppose someone born with a sweet name like Lastings is bound to be fast, but I didn't even know he had base stealing speed. Yung Millz has already promised to both hit and field better since he's playing his natural position, center field, for the Nats. The Mets had him stuck in left field, where he said he was uncomfortable.

What I don't understand is how Milledge got the "headcase" label slapped on him. The song he was on, "Bend Ya Kneez," was maybe a little grimy. It's not like it's illegal to rap (although it should be for Rocko da Don. "Umma Do Me" sounds like it was both penned and performed by a paint-huffing retard). Second of all, I don't get how high-fiving fans after you hit a bottom of the ninth game tying home run is a bad thing. Lastings, you can feel free to come over and high five me whenever you want to, especially if you just sent the game it into extra innings with a bomb. I'm glad D.C.'s media doesn't have the sensationalist asshole element that New York's does. Hopefully, your stats will affirm the "gangsta" status claimed on your three finger ring.

Finally, An Endorsement Opportunity for Dwight Gooden

Dwight Gooden will always be remembered as the Mets young phenom pitcher who at age 21, won both the AL Triple Crown and the 1985 Cy Young Award. He will also be remembered as the 23 year old who tested positive for cocaine and spent a third of the 1987 season in rehab. More recently, Gooden spent 7 months in jail for violating his probation after a rash of drunk driving arrests. He was released November 9, 2006.

Getting to the point, you're probably asking yourself, "What company would dare sign an endorsement deal with a washed-up, ex-superstar, convicted felon?" The answer: Blow Energy Drink Mix!

Blow Energy Drink is a fine ground white powder sold in vials. If you're tired after a long day, or just killed your best friend, saw your sister die before your eyes, and are battling scores of highly armed assassins hired by an angry Columbian kingpin with an M-16 in your Miami mansion you simply the mix the white powder with water for a big boost of energy. Blow Energy Drink does not recommend piling it's product on your desk, however.

Blow contains 240mg of caffeine, roughly equivalent to three cups of coffee. Blow Energy Drink Mix is a available for purchase in four pack sizes: The 2 pack Stash Box Sampler Pack for $9.95, the 12 vial Brick for $36, the 24 vial Recreational User Pack $72, and the 96 vial Fiender's Hook-Up for $200. Unfortunately, no G-Pack is yet available. But, the 12 vial Brick does include a complementary credit card and mirror!

Dwight Gooden recommends the Recreational User Pack for your re-up of Blow!

A Tribute to That Guy From And 1 Streetball Who Screams "OH BAY-BEE!"

To me, And 1 Streetball is like Haagen-Dazs to a fat lady on a diet: I know I should have nothing to do with it, but I can't help but indulge myself in it's delights. Furthermore, when I say I'm just gonna have a little "taste" of Streetball action, I inevitably find myself watching for as long as its on. You're probably thinking "15 consecutive minutes is the most any sane person can muster to view And 1 Streetball, much less any thing else that airs on ESPN 2." To this I say, "OHH BAY-BEE!"

More than the awesome player nicknames, high-flying dunks, constant alley-oops, ridiculous dribbling techniques that takes carrying the ball to the X-treme, and remarkable lack of defensive effort, what draws me in to wasting fractions of my life watching And 1 Streetball is that guy who screams "OHH BAY-BEE!" Every time "Hot Sauce" pulls his signature move "tha Boomerang" (Hot Sauce pretends to throw a one-handed pass past over a defender's shoulder. However the ball rises straight in the air and returns to him while the defender turns his head to look for the ball), every time "Helicopter" windmills on a fast break, and every time "8th Wonder" thunderously dunks an offensive rebound over some pretending ass, bitch-made defender, you can count on the signature "OH BAY-BEE!" to be emphatically yelled.

What distinguishes "Oh Bay-Bee!" guy from "traditional" announcers? First of all, he roams the court with a cordless mic, refusing to be constrained by things like a "scorer's table," or an "announcer's booth," and can be often times seen yelling encouragement to the player with the ball from directly behind said player. Secondly, his utter lack of journalistic skill can only be described as charming. Finally and most remarkable, is his ability to draw people into watching the sports equivalent of an Ashlee Simpson song through outright enthusiasm for a game which isn't "real," but somehow has a degree of credibility.

In case you are personally unfamiliar with this grand-champion of American culture, here's a video of his art performed. Good "OH BAY-BEE!"s come at 24 and 35 seconds.

DeShawn Stevenson: A Real American Hero

DAGGER!



According to the stats on NBA.com, he's Mister 38.3 this year, not Mister 50. But he earned his keep in tonight's game.

*Note from Professor Swag: It is assumed that DeShawn is most likely currently experiencing difficulties feeling his face in the wake of such a daggerous performance. His tremendous beard certainly can't be helping.

Maybe the Boone's Farm Sponsorship Isn't Such a Good Idea...

It turns out the reason Bret Boone left baseball in the first place was alcohol. He was a full blown alcoholic. As result, I'm starting to think the Boone's Farm stadium sponsorship might be a bad idea. Boone's been on the wagon for 7 months and team sponsorship by a major alcohol label could buck him right off.

Boone did a pretty damn good job playing despite what can only be described rampant alcoholism. At age 32, he claims to have been drinking 12 to 15 beers after games. Boone was 32 in 2001, a season in which he hit 37 HRS, 141 RBIs, and batted .331. He finished third in the AL-MVP voting that season. I can drink to that.

By age 36, Boone's addiction got to the point where he was more concerned with hitting the hotel bar after the game than playing the game itself. This was the point he decided to retire to get his life back in order.

Still, Boone's achievements as an alcoholic ballplayer fall well short of many who paved the way for his success, most notably Mickey Mantle and Hack Wilson.

Despite occasionally playing games still drunk from the night before, Hack Wilson holds the MLB record for RBIs in a season with 191. He also held the record for most HRs by a National League player with 56 until he was surpassed by both Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa in the Great Home Run Race of 1998. Despite playing an alcohol shortened career of only 12 seasons, Wilson was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1979. He died of alcohol induced cirrhosis of the liver at age 48 in 1948.

I'm not going to bother to talk about Mickey Mantle because you should know who he is.

Elijah Dukes in the Golf Digest Edition, Part I

Viedographer Jon Forsythe for the Washington Post ran into Elijah Dukes at a driving range near the Nationals spring training facility where he was teeing off in a big way. Note Dukes dedication to traditional golf attire. It's not exactly LaCoste, but its a lot more interesting.

Video courtesy of the DC Sports Bog

The New Lebron Shoe

My colleague Professor Swag mentioned Lebron James's ref-assisted heroics against the Wizards on Friday. I don't want to hate on Lebron, I want to help him out with a business idea. It goes along with his line of shoes and it's called Lebron's Frequent Traveler Program. It's basically like frequent-flier miles, except instead of getting points for flying on a particular airline, you get points for traveling while wearing Lebron's shoes. If you get away with the travel, you get a bonus point. You can turn in the points to get free shoes, or the right to travel more.

Anybody can use Lebron's Frequent Traveler Program, but of course nobody can use it as well as Lebron himself. My suggestion to him is to earn as many miles as he can during the regular season, and then if the Cavs are playing the Wizards, he can cash in all those miles and travel all over the place during the fourth quarter. It won't matter because Eddie Jordan will have invented the Don't Let Lebron Get Away With Shit Defense in which Andray Blatche and Brendan Haywood pre-empt the cheap fouls by punching him in the arm so he can't make free throws.

Wily Mo Pena: It's All About the Damage

Wily Mo Pena recently spoke to Bill Ladsen of MLB.com about the work he's been putting in to earn a starting spot in left field for the Nationals. Here's what he had to say:

"When I was in Boston, I didn't get the opportunity like Washington gave to me. When you play every day you can do some damage. When you are not playing how can you do damage? You sit in the dugout."

Man I hope Wily Mo earns himself a doctorate in "damage" this season. 100 RBIs is required to earn the degree. Wily "Mo Damage" Pena is a nickname 100% worth earning.

It's Official: The Toilets at Nationals Park Work

It has been confirmed by "Operation Super Flush" that the toilets in Nationals Park are fully functional and will be able to withstand the all out barrage of urine bound for their collective bowls. This was some kind of undertaking, requiring the coordinated efforts of 175 volunteer flushers who were instructed to flush the toilets every 10 seconds and urinals every 15 seconds over designated periods of time. The plumbing system is designed to be environmentally friendly reducing the total amount of water used from 9.6 million gallons to 6 million gallons per season. As a bonus to female baseball fans in and around DC, the ladies rooms have as many toilets as the mens rooms have combined toilets+urinals, so the line for womens relief shouldn't be as shockingly long as it is at other stadiums.
I personally am waiting for them to test the beer dispersal system, designed to ensure that the parks over public 500 toilets and urinals are utilized to the degree to which they have been tested. I've heard personally from Professor RemiX, who was lucky enough to receive a tour of the not yet completed ballpark, that Nationals Park has some sort of advanced system of tubes for distributing beer throughout the stadium from a central location. No word from Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK) if this series of tubes is at all related to the internet.

Kevin Durant Eats His Own Booger

That must be a Texas thing because theres no way he learned that growing up in DC. The video is kinda annoying, but its still naztee.

Props to Bruce Pearl for Grabbing Erin Andrews Boobs

If you're crazy enough not to be watching Tennessee(2) at Memphis(1) in college hoops action you're missing a hell of a game. You also missed Erin Andrews interview with Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl.

Badgers Again Ranked Highly Pre-Preseason

The Badgers are again picked to finish highly in both the Big-10 and overall in the way before the season starts polls on ESPN.com. To be specific, the Badgers are ranked second in the Big-10 behind those perennial assholes at Ohio State and 13th in the country. I take this to mean that ESPN.com is predicting that OSU is going to get to the National Championship game only to lose for the third consecutive season, leaving the Badgers to get rolled by USC in the Rose Bowl like Illinois did after entering the Rose Bowl ranked 13th in both polls last season. Hopefully the Badgers are moving in the direction Zach Brown in pointing in the above picture.

Going to the Rose Bowl would be pretty much the most awesome thing ever setting aside L.A. being a soulless jungle of freeways. I suppose that's why they play the game in Pasadena. I'm tired of the Second Rate Bowl Presented by Capital One which we didn't even bother to get to this past season. A trip to the Rose Bowl would be a fine way to round off my final year at UW-Madison, since football is inevitably more important than academics.

Bonus: Michigan is slated to finish fifth in the Big-10. Whats good now, you fancy coach having bitches?

I Hate Lebron, I Hate Lebron, I Hate Lebron...

That foul the cheating ass refs called on Brendan Haywood with 7 second left was nowhere shy of complete bullshit. C'mon NBA, you're riding Lebron's cock a little too hard. The only gratifying thing about the whole experience was the fact that when Cleveland got the ball with about 25 seconds left, I called exactly what was going to happen. My prediction: Lebron would drive and shoot creating one of two possible scenarios:
1. Lebron makes it and Cleveland wins fair and square
2. Lebron misses, the refs wait to see that he misses, then call a foul on whoever its convenient to call a foul on. officiating

Scenario 2 is the one that panned out. My favorite part was how the repeated replays confirmed the fact that the ref along the baseline in the back corner did not even put the whistle into his mouth until he saw the ball miss. This was one of those classic Cleveland vs. Washington games where the refs can either call a travel on Lebron at the end of the game, or give him a foul. I think you can guess the call they always make.
Also, mother fuck a Damon Jones and his mother fucking mohawk. You may have had 27 points tonight, but you still only average 5.9 a game this season and 6.7 for your career, you fucking suck ass bitch.

The Hat-enomics of Chad Cordero

People have been getting worried lately about the fact that Chad Cordero’s brim has been shockingly curved so far this spring training (as pictured to the right in a photo stolen from the Nationals Enquirer). I think every Nationals fan loves seeing that remarkably flat brim on the mound as much as they love almost having a heart attack every save opportunity Chad has. My favorite part of his saves is that the inevitably third out comes with runner(s) in scoring position on a deep fly ball you judge to be gonezo by Austin Kearns body language, until it inevitably drops into his glove somewhere a few inches shy of the warning track. Last season I attended game 3 of the series the Nats swept on the road at Camden Yards and left feeling like I hadn’t gotten money’s worth because the Chief sat the O’s down in order in the bottom of the 9th.

Anyhow, I digress. For those of you who don’t have a PhD in hat-enomics like I do, I’ll explain something important about baseball caps that the DC Sports Bog and the Nationals Enquier are either ignoring or don’t know.

To start, I investigated Chad Cordero’s brim preferences based on my observed data collected over his three regular seasons as a National. This data suggests Cordero’s preference for flat brims holds across day vs. night games, save vs. non-save opportunity, and pre vs. post all-star break. Therefore, I established that Cordero’s preference for flat, non-curved brims was extremely strong.

However, during spring training 2007 and thus far in spring training 2008, Cordero wore his hat with a moderate to strong curvature. This new-found curvature was initially baffling; the data simply didn’t fit with the model I’d developed for the regular season.

This drove me to create a new model, one which investigated the relationship between Cordero’s brim curvature and the type of hat being worn. During the regular season, MLB players wear the traditional New Era 59Fifty model caps. While wearing this cap, Cordero demonstrated the strong affinity for the flat brim for which Nationals fans most often recognize him. However, starting in 2007, MLB switched from issuing the New Era 59Fifty during spring training, to the newly developed New Era 39Thirty model cap. Based cap data from spring trainings prior to 2007, we see that Cordero wore his cap with a flat brim. It was only once MLB began issuing the 39Thirty model caps that Cordero began wearing his cap with a curved brim.

Upon further investigation I discovered that the 39Thirty comes out of the box with a pre-curved brim in a design meant to appeal to bros. Furthermore, said brim is near impossible straighten. Based on this evidence, I think its safe to conclude that Cordero would wear the brim of his 39Thirty just as flat as that of the 59Fifty if it was possible. There is no regular season brim preference data to contradict this. In conclusion, all of my models project Cordero’s brim to be flat as usual once the regular season starts and he is wearing his 59Fifty.

Here is the 39Thirty on the left, and the 59Fifty on the right for comparison.

Headin' Down to the Farm

As you may or may not know, the Nationals recently acquired Bret Boone, adding to the already impressive collection of Boones in the organization (brother Aaron, backup 3B and father Bob, Assistant GM). With the naming rights to the tentatively named “Nationals Park” still up for grabs, why not bring another member of the Boone family into the Nats organization? I’m taking about Boone’s Farm Wine.

The gem on the waterfront that is the new Nats stadium could be “Boone’s Farm Field.” Think of the flavor it would add to what is already shaping up to be a potentially tasty season. With Apple Blossom, Blackberry Ridge, Blueberri, Blue Hawaiian, Country Kwencher (my personal favorite), Fuzzy Navel, Hard Lemonade, Kiwi Strawberry, Mango Grove, Melon Ball, Mountain Berry, Orange Hurricane, Pina Colada, Raspberry Hard Lemonade, Sangria, Snow Creek Berry, Strawberry Daiquiri, Strawberry Hill, Strawberry Margarita, Sun Peak Peach, Wild Island, Wild Raspberry and inevitably other delicious flavors available, the possibilities are endless.

With the sponsorship of Boone’s Farm the Nats could leave Screech begging for change on 19th & E. Capital St. Instead of a wobbly, obese bird who spends 50% of games gyrating his belly fat in the faces of little kids just think about this: Willie Wino. Willie Wino could be like Bernie Brewer, except instead of making alcohol, he would consume it. Also Willie Wino would smell a lot worse.

In Defense of the Cheerleader

Recently there’s been a flurry on internets and cable news over this picture and several others portraying members of the Sacramento Kings cheerleading squad binge drinking and performing quasi-sexually unacceptable acts with one another. I’d like to come to their defense. First of all, when your work day is over and you’re ready to finally break out and have some fun with your coworkers, is it a crime to do so in your work clothes? I know I’ve gone out drinking with my friends in my work attire and no one threw a hissy fit over that. I think throughout this whole thing people are forgetting that they’re required to wear those midriff exposing jerseys for their job. Cheerleading demands some of the most specific garb of any job in America. The only jobs I can think of off the top of my head which require attire more specific than cheerleader are Catholic Priest and Marlboro Man.

Secondly, is it a crime for some young ladies to have a drink, or an entire bottle of champagne? Old ladies do that shit all the time, they just call it “book group.” Drinking shouldn’t be a capital offense just because you look good doing it.

Thirdly, c’mon. They’re some cheerleaders. Find me a picture of two nuns doing the same shit in cutoff nun’s habits and then maybe you’ll have a story. It would also be a story if you found a good looking nun.

-Professor Swag

The Dwight Howard Controversy

Professor Remix here to give a guest lecture on evaluation of evidence.

Dwight Howard won the NBA's Slam Dunk contest with a variety of ballin' dunks, although I still think that someone could have beaten him by performing the DozNut dunk, in which the DOZR stands under the basket and the player jumps and dunks and lands his nuts on the DOZR's face. If you don't know who the DOZR is, we'll do an in-depth athlete profile later.

The most controversial dunk that Howard did was the Superman dunk, in which he jumped off both feet, elevated several feet before the basket, and threw the ball threw the rim before returning to Earth. Several fans were upset that he did not touch the rim, and suggested that he be disqualified for failing to dunk.
Let's examine the dunk in question.

To perform a dunk, you must "throw it down, big man, throw it down."

The following questions must be asked.
1. Did Mr. Howard throw "it" down?
2. Is Master Howard a big man?
3. Did gentleman Howard throw it down?


1. First we must ask what "it" is. Is it a basketball? The evidence shows that Dwight Howard was clearly holding a basketball. Next we must determine if the basketball was thrown, and, if so, if it was thrown down. Video evidence shows that the basketball was thrown with almost no arc, and this helpful diagram illustrates that the direction it was thrown was down.

2. Dwight Howard is 6'11", and weighs 265 pounds, which is considered a "big" size for a person. He is an adult human male, or "man."

3. We already answered this. Pay attention in class.*

Some people will say that even if he did "throw it down, big man, throw it down" the dunk shouldn't count because he meant to throw it down directly above the rim. Well, a lot of people made history doing things by accident that they didn't mean to do. Mohammad Atta organized a group of people to go hijack some planes and go joyriding around New York City and the D.C. area but when they accidentally crashed into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon it still counted as a famous terrorist attack.

If you want to protest something in basketball, protest the injuries to Caron, Gil, and AD.

*Professor Remix does not advocate paying attention in any classes except those taught by Professor Swag and associates.

Another Ex-All Star Boone Joins the Nationals

The Nationals continued their off-season trend of courting both young head cases and over-the-hill veterans yesterday in a deal that has fans buzzing. In their latest move, the Nats acquired second baseman Bret Boone from the Fort Meyers Retirement Castles of the Southeast Independent League in a blockbuster deal that saw the departure of former National RHP Pedro Astacio and 500 gallons of Mr & Mrs. T's brand Pina Colada mix.

Bret joins some very familiar faces in the Nationals organization. Younger brother Aaron, also a former All-Star, inked a one year, $1 million dollar deal earlier this off-season to backup Ryan Zimmerman and provide veteran leadership on a Nationals team crowded with young faces. Bret’s father, Nationals Assistant GM Bob Boone is thought to have played a key role in convincing his eldest son to return to the game he said he lost passion for.

"Physically, I can still do it," said the now 39 year old Bret Boone in his March 1, 2006 retirement announcement, “but I've lost the edge. I would look into the mirror and know I'd never get that edge back."*

Speculation is leading many in the Nationals community to conclude that this very lack of “edge” is what the club sought in adding another mediocre member of the Boone to the organization. On the condition of anonymity, a source close to the Nationals management said, “As you know, we were excited to get Elijah Dukes, but the guy’s kind of crazy. While Elijah’s only threatened to kill his ex-wife and kids with a gun so far, some folks [in the organization], well, they feel like he’s still capable of promising the death of his closest kin with a knife or other sharp-edged weapon.” The source added, “God forbid what would happen if he got his hands on a machete.”

Nationals GM Jim Bowden was unavailable for comment on the matter.

*http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20060301&content_id=1329064&vkey=spt2006news&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb