Birds in the Nationals Stadium

Screech, the overweight flightless eagle who is unfortunately the Nationals' mascot, is apparently not the only bird around. Last night, a big motherfucking great horned owl, flew across the stadium just above scoreboard height right before the top of the 8th. And just a few minutes ago, at the top of the eighth tonight, some small black bird was slowly calmly walking around in front of Felipe Lopez, like a citizen of our fine city crossing the street through traffic. A grounder scattered him to the outfield, but he remains in right field right by the foul line as the game is in progress.

How do I know this?

Professor Remix is sitting in the goddamn press box because this blog has press credentials. If you're wondering why I'm not writing about the game, it's because the Nationals are getting killed.

UPDATE: Bird just flew across the infield. He is just asking for a Randy Johnson incident.

Dmitri Young Bobblehead Not Lovably Obese Enough

Thursday, May 1 is Dmitri Young Bobblehead Night when the Nationals take on Pittsburgh at Nationals Park. I received this picture of Dmitri's bobblehead from the Nationals' Ticketing office, and I must say that I am disappointed with it. For a man who's nicknamed "Da Meat Hook" and checked into training camp at a hearty 297 pounds, there doesn't appear to be a whole lot of "meat" on his bobblehead's frame. I wonder if Jim Bowden intentionally had them manufactured with the dimensions Dmitri promised to show up at camp sporting. The only other possibility I see is the young Chinese children manufacturing Da Meat Hook's bobblehead simply couldn't believe a man of Dmitri's stature truly existed, since Da Meat Hook most likely packs down more food in a single sitting than each of their families eat in a week, combined. Rice prices are at critical levels right now.

My second complaint is what the hell is he doing with his arms? The Soulja Boy? That song and it's accompanying dance have been old since last baseball season. If you had Dmitri Young Bobblehead Night last August, having Da Meat Hook posed crankin' dat would have made sense. Eight months later, Soulja Boy fans have moved on to his latest "songs" including "YAHH! (feat. A-Rab)" and "Get Silly" by V.I.C. (feat. Soulja Boy). Either that, or Da Meat Hook is getting ready to lay the smack down on some pitcher who made the mistake of throwing the ball behind Dmitri's head. That I would approve of.

I, Too am Experiencing Difficulties With My Face's Sense of Touch

It's been over 12 hours since the Wizards completed their glorious, glorious rout of the Cavaliers and I still can't feel my face. I wasn't even at the game. Furthermore, I wasn't even in DC. I was in Madison, Wisconsin. At least we have proof that DeShawn Stevenson's mutant ability to numben faces is powerful enough to cross state lines. If he continues to tamper with the face feeling ability of Americans, change his appearance to look increasingly naZtee, DeShawn is bound to get a call from Professor X about joining the X-Men. Dude is a freak.

The real question is, why can't non-Comcast announcers get the name of DeShawn's patented gesture right? They need to call up the US Patent Office and look up US Patent No. 6981182, which specifies DeShawn's ownership of the "I Can't Feel My Face gesture." DeShawn acquired the rights to the "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture from Tony Yayo in 2006 for a 1972 Chevy Impala and a blue and white diamond studded platinum chain reading simply, Premium in script lettering. Despite legal ownership, the TNT announcers kept issuing remarks like "Oh, DeShawn is invisible again" during moments when DeShawn clearly was experiencing technical difficulties with the sense of touch in his facial region. TNT needs to step their announcing game up.

I'm really glad DeShawn plays for the Wizards. He's the kind of asshole you love when he plays for your team, but you absolutely loathe if he's playing against you. I appreciate that the video of DeShawn doing what he does best is titled "DeShawn Stevenson thinks humility is overrated." The person who posted this video failed to recognize that DeShawn never thinks anything. DeShawn only knows.

I hope feeling has left DeShawn's face indefinitely, or at least until Sunday at about 4:30pm EDT.


Bonus: I have a two blog mohawking streak going right now.

The Snyder Intent on Giving Up as Much as Possible for Ocho Cinco

The Redskins offered their 2008 first round pick and a conditional third round pick in 2009 which would become a first round pick if certain performance levels were met to the Bengals for Chad Johnson. Although the Bengals rejected the offer, my gut reaction to it was, "Hell yeah, let's get Ocho Cinco!" I've loved Chad Johnson for a number of seasons for a number of reasons. First of all, he's fucking good, no need to really elaborate on this one. Secondly, unlike all of our receivers the last two seasons, Chad Johnson doesn't pull his hamstring or groin every other Sunday despite dancing 93.9% than our entire receiving corps combined. Finally, #85 fits the mold of the beloved DC athlete: he's quirky and, at the same time, kind of an asshole. Chad can be thought of as the Gilbert Arenas of the NFL, if in no other way than the number, quality of self-applied nicknames.

However, when I actually take a minute to sit back and inspect the offer, I start to think trading for Ocho Cinco is a bad idea. Is Chad Johnson really worth the two first round picks he would garner should he meet the performance levels specified in the offer? The only reason I would say "maybe" is because the Redskins draft so poorly that our first round picks are bound to suck for at least the next two seasons. We did too good a job picking Laron Landry in 2007 to do a competent job any time in the next couple drafts. I'm predicting the Redskins manage to draft both another Michael Westbrook and a Heath Shuler during the next five years.

Then theres the all out deal breaker. Frankly, every Redskins fan should have realized this by now, but in case you haven't (and you actually happen to read this), I'll let you know why I know trading for Chad Johnson is an awful idea: Dan Snyder wants to make the trade.

Redskins Fact #3: Anything Dan Snyder wants is probably great for some teams, but the Washington Redskins are not among those teams.

I think I'll let this tidbit from Jason La Canfora's Redskins Insider make my argument for me: Dan Snyder wanted Ted Ginn in the 2007 draft.

I guess I can't help but also point out the gross incompetence with which the 2007 coach search was undertaken: "We hired this guy to be our offensive coordinator. Oh, wait, did I say offensive coordinator? What I really meant to say was head coach. Yeah...head coach." You should feel free to insert wink(s) into that quote wherever you feel they are appropriate.

I'm worried that The Snyder is inevitably going to make an offer for Chad Johnson that's even worse than the one it already made. When The Snyder gets its mind made up on something, it generally does everything in it's deep-pocketed power to make sure it gets what it wants. By the time this is done with, The Snyder will have probably managed to trade the Redskins first, second, third, and sixth round picks, and through some sort of trickery, two of the Falcons 2008 draft picks, for Chad Johnson and the Bengals seventh round pick.

When Your Team Shares a Name With the Leader of the KKK, it May Not Be Best to Call for a "White-Out"

When I checked my email this morning I noticed I had received two emails from Wizards Wire advising me that the Wizards had a "White-Out Playoff Offer" for me. The first thing I thought of when I saw the "Wizards" were advertising a "White-Out" was the Ku Klux Klan related controversy which sprang up during the process of renaming the "Bullets" the "Wizards. Pastor Morris Shearin, the first vice president of the Washington, D.C., NAACP and a member of the board of the national NAACP, raised protest over the Washington franchise's rebranding as the "Wizards" because an "Imperial Wizard" is the supreme leader of the Ku Klan Klan.*

Maybe it's just me, but in light of the above controversy, I found the following release from the Wizards reasonably comedic:

All persons attending the games at Verizon Center are advised that 'White-Out' conditions are expected in downtown, Washington DC.

I feel like I don't really need to say anything about how Klan members, including the "Imperial Wizard" dress in all white themselves. If you're one of those people who wear actual wizard-styled hats while cheering on the Wizards, I would recommend leaving your white wizard-styled hat at home during the "White-Out."

In spite of the low levels of hilarity the "White Out" produces, the only thing it really changes is Wizards fans will now have the privilege of watching the refs cheat Lebron and Cavs to inevitable, horrible victory while dressed in white. I feel bad because I know the Cavs are going to win the series and I also know the Cavs are going to win the series because of the increased number of "Lebron calls" that Lebron gets in the playoffs, especially against the Wizards.

*Bonus: The finalists in the 1997 Bullets renaming contest were the Dragons, Express, Stallions, Sea Dogs, and Wizards. Can you guess which of the finalists aside from Wizards also brought the scorn of the NAACP? The answer is the Dragons. A "Grand Dragon" is the Klan leader of a specific state, operating directly under the powers of the Imperial Wizard. This begs the question, how the hell did the two highest KKK titles end up as finalists in the naming contest for an NBA team in Washington DC?

Nationals Fall Short of Losing 10th Straight

The Nationals fell just a single game shy of their first double digit losing streak of the 2008 campaign with their victory over the Braves today. I'm glad the Nationals pulled out the victory because I don't even want to know what catcher Paul Lo Duca would have said after another (10th) loss. After loss #9 he dropped this gem:

"You could bring a squirrel in here and he's going to do better than we've been playing."

You know things are bad when your starting catcher is claiming a single, small rodent could outdo your entire team. The reasoning behind Lo Duca's outright confidence in the baseball abilities of a squirrel could stem from Bugs Bunny's single-handed defeat of the Gas-House Gorillas in the Looney Toons classic "Baseball Bugs."



Still, you can't have the same kind of confidence in a squirrel than you can in Bugs Bunny. It's not every day you meet a rabbit capable of simultaneously playing every position on the baseball field. Furthermore, we know Bugs is loaded with general athletic talent. After all, "Space Jam" showed the world that Bugs is also a basketball superstar, worthy of both Michael Jordan's and Bill Murray's praise.

The Nationals should sign Bugs to a coaching contract as an assistant to pitching coach Randy St. Claire. Jason Bergmann, demoted yesterday to AAA Columbus, would definitely benefit from adding Bugs' self-described "perplexing slowball" to his pitching repertoire. Bugs' slowball is the greatest pitch in the history of baseball: it's the only single pitch to successfully strike out the entire side. Plus hiring Bugs as assistant pitching coach could only make the Nationals season more wacky/delightful. This would especially be the case after the Atlanta Braves fire Bobby Cox following the All Star Break and hire venerable, southern rooster Foghorn Leghorn as interim manager. Suh, I said suh...

KG, Celtics Can Lick Jamison's, Wizards' Nutzz

I don't even have to say anything, the video summarizes the Wizards relationship with the NBA's "best" team.

Badger Athletic Ticket Office Corrects Some Flaws, but Is Still Missing the Point

Today, the Badger student population received an email from the Wisconsin Athletic Ticket Office informing us that they are changing the system for distributing student season football tickets in several major ways. If you're a Badger football fan, you probably already know the changes well enough to have reacted to them with more than a few expletives; otherwise you probably don't care and should stop reading this post unless you're really bored or something. It's pretty long.

Here's a summary of the main changes to the student ticket distribution process as explained on the Badger Athletics website:

(1). All student tickets will now be distributed by lottery.
(2). Student tickets will no longer be mailed, and must now be picked up from the Athletic Ticket Office between August 18th and September 19th.
(3). Students will no longer be assigned a specific seat, and will now be issued a wristband simply granting them access to a "specific section area" (i.e. M, N, O, P).
(4). Section P is no longer exclusive to upper-classmen.

While I can't say I completely approve of them, changes (2)-(4) to the distribution policy are all understandable, at least in part.

Lets start with change (2) (students must pickup tickets, rather than having their vouchers mailed to them). While I never personally had issues receiving my football tickets in the mail, it's more than reasonable to postulate that mass-mailing 10,000+ sets of tickets creates a number of problems. Students purchasing tickets can give a wrong address, resulting in the tickets being sent somewhere besides their intended destination. The Ticket Office also inevitably loses the tickets of a few students in the mailing process, due simply to the sheer volume of tickets they have to handle. Finally, mailing tickets to students incurs postage and labor costs which are eliminated by making students pick up their own tickets.

On a basic level, I agree with the Ticket Office's decision to make we, the students pick up our own football tickets. This policy solves a number of problems and puts the responsibility for having tickets by the start of the season (August 30 vs. Akron) in the hands of the students who will be using the tickets. If you really care about seeing all the games, you'll make sure to get your tickets before kickoff of the first game. If you're one of those people who spends the entire first quarter drinking and usually shows up sometime halfway through the second quarter, you'll likely miss at least the first game.

Still, the Ticket Office's pickup schedule is flawed. August 18 is too late a date to open the voucher pickup process. A better date to start the process would be August 13, the day before most leases in Madison expire. Many students come to Madison for the move on August 14th/15th and then return home to continue working or whatever else might need to be done at home until shortly before the school year starts. Starting the voucher pickup process on the 13th would make it easy for such students to swing by the Athletic Ticket Office on the day before or after their move to their new apartment, house, etc. to pick up their football tickets.

While I'm not saying that moving the date back to August 13 from August 18 will necessarily have a significant impact on this, the Ticket Office better have a good plan in place for distributing a large amount of tickets on August 30, the day of the first home game. College students have a generally high moment of inertia when it comes to fulfilling obligations (i.e. doing papers the night before their due). The result of this high moment of inertia will be swaths of students who haven't picked up their tickets prior to the first game. This opening gameday rush will only be compounded by the fact that the top priority for many students upon returning to Madison is seeing friends who they may not have seen all summer, not picking up football tickets. Basically, the Ticket Office better be on point and ready to deal with liquored up students trying to pick their tickets up on August 30.

Change (3) (wristbands guaranteeing access to a section rather than a specific seat) makes the most sense of all the changes and I take no issue with it. Being merely granted access to a general section was already the de facto system, at least in the three seasons I've been attending Badger football games in the student section. Students arriving early to games will still be able to claim the near-field seats they covet.

The wristband system also alleviates a problem which affected a group of my friends last year. They arrived at a game only to find the seats on their tickets occupied, so, not being assholes, they moved to the best available seats within their section. Sometime during the second quarter another group of students arrived demanding to sit in the exact seat numbers listed on their tickets, which my friends now occupied. After my friends refused and told the contesting group to "deal," the contesting group returned to their seats with a police officer, who promptly made my friends move. However, when my friends asked the officer to take them to the seats promised on their tickets, he refused, not wanting to start a never ending chain of moving students around to their actual seats. As result, my friends were forced even higher in the section. The old system simply wasn't just for that reason, and the new wristband system fixes that problem.

Change (4) (Section P no longer exclusively upper-classman) is largely inconsequential, unless you're an upper-classman who really cares about being surrounded exclusively by other upper-classmen. I've had upper-classman tickets for the past two seasons and have yet to sit in Section P, so it could just be me, but I don't feel like change (4) is ultimately very important.

If you've made it through the prior 939 words then you've made it long enough to hear my ultimate complaint, which lies both with and, in a sense, beyond Change (1) (all student tickets awarded by lottery). Before I get to my major complaint, I must first remark that the size of the student section increased to 14,000 for the 2008-2009 season, from 10,500 in prior seasons, which is a step in the direction I desire.

However, even with the increased number of available student tickets, the lottery system is fundamentally flawed. Under the new lottery system, 2,000 football tickets are guaranteed to each year, freshman through senior, with 500 tickets allocated to graduate students, and the remaining 5,500 granted by a lottery where seniors have four chances to win, juniors three, sophomores two, and freshman a single chance to win.

The number of tickets each class receives is besides the ultimate point I'm trying to make, however. Every Wisconsin college student who wants to attend Wisconsin college football games should be able to do so. The lottery will probably allocate student tickets more fairly than the previous system, but even this revised system is inherently unfair because there are students who want football tickets who are unable to receive them.

I know that student tickets are priced at a face value which is well below their actual value in the resale market. Therefore, there is an incentive for the Athletic Department to sell as few student tickets as will prevent controversy. Selling more of the significantly higher priced non-student season tickets results in greater profits for the Athletic Department, and profits seem to be their ultimate goal. I'm arguing that the experience of Badger students (a non-market value), for and from whom the Badger football team exists, should be more important than the Athletic Departments' desire to capture higher profits.

As much as I hate to hold the [goddamn] Univeristy of Michigan up as any kind of standard, the Wolverines distribute their student football tickets in a better manner than the University of Wisconsin-Madison currently does, or for that matter, ever did. Every Michigan student who wants season football tickets can have them, so long as he or she applies during a specified registration period. What I propose is for the UW Athletic Department to change the student football ticket lottery registration period of June 15-30, to an outright student football ticket registration period in the light of Michigan's. Under my alternative systen, if you are a UW student attending UW during the fall semester and you register (and pay) for tickets between June 15 and June 30, you will have tickets when football season comes around. I know Camp Randall doesn't have the benefit of holding 110,000+ fans like Michigan's "Big House" does, but I feel our 80,500 seats could adequately accommodate all UW students who want to attend games, and enough "general" Badger fans to make everyone happy.


NOTE 1: I recognize that completely overhauling the student football ticket distribution system will create major disturbances in the short run ticket market, especially with regards to the existing "general" season ticket holders and the student ticket resale market. I don't really want to get into that right now because that would another 1,500 words worth of analysis. Just know that in the long run, allowing all students desiring season football tickets to have them would improve the Badger football experience more than it detracted from it, in my opinion. Perhaps I'll post what I would expect to happen should the Athletic Ticket Department change to my proposed system tomorrow, when I have more time, motivation.

And So It Begins...

After a glorious three game win streak to start the season, the Nats have hit their first skid of the 2008 season, of the four game variety. This leads me to ask the following horrible, inevitable questions: Did the Nationals season peak in the first week of the season? Will we ever see that special light that shines north of the .500 mark again? Is the only truly feel-good story of this season going to be the opening of [shining-ass] Nationals Park?

Professor Swag will go ahead and answer his own scientific queries with a number of yeses Dick Vitale would most likely refer to as a "Trifecta, baby!" As for the first question, I don't think much shy of a World Series can outdo an opening night, nationally televised, walk-off homerun victory to open a brand new ballpark. The second yes is somewhat more hopeful. While I don't predict we will finish the season above .500 (merely near it), we have back to back games coming up against the Marlins at home and victories in both would again propel us once again into that cherished territory beyond mediocrity. The final yes confirms merely that we will not make the playoffs this season.

However, I would also argue that there is a question more important, and perhaps more scientific than the previous three: Does it really matter?

The answer here is a resounding "Hell, no." I know I'm trying to reach my last years goal of attending 20 games, even if we end up where all the critics, pundits, and general hating-ass bitches who get paid to talk about sports for some reason (think Skip Bayless) predicted the Nationals would finish the season: in the cellar. My basic attitude on this Nationals season is perhaps espoused best by Lil' Wayne in "Live from the 504"

Money controls where i go
It is tha sale to my boat
And [if] its goin down its goin down like theres a whale in tha boat

You just have to replace the word the word "Money" with "Nationals." I would prefer the Nationals win 90 games and make the playoffs, but that can't be counted on. What can be counted on is the Nationals playing 81 home games and me trying to be in attendance for at least 20 of them. The new park, especially after having been forced to witness the 14 games I went to last year in the grimy, decrepit RFK, is that much of a draw. All of my friends, including those who don't particularly care for baseball seem to generally share my view. Tailgaiting at least one game real grandé with a party of 20+ people would be a plus.

Here at the University of Wisconsin-Madison where the Professor makes his studies, there is a popular saying which is printed onto a popular t-shirt worn on Badger football Saturday's which I would like to co-op as my summary attitude for the 2008 Nationals season. That t-shirt reads, "Win or Lose, We Still Booze." Even if the Nats aren't good, we can still have a good time, hope our $7.50 souvenir beer cups remain at least half-full, and leave Nationals Park realizing that summertime is all the balmier knowing that baseball is here to stay in the District.

Ryan Zimmerman, a National Hero

Ryan Zimmerman just hit his eighth career walk-off hit, his fourth career walk-off homer for the Nationals. As soon as the pinch-runner scored from third in the top of the 9th, tying the score and ensuring there would be a bottom of the 9th, Professor Remix wrote down "walk off homer" in his notebook. Actually, he just said it out loud, but that's because the Professor didn't have to waste paper on what he already knew would happen (it happens so often we could just use a stock photo instead of a fresh one from the game). Sure enough, with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, Ryan Zimmerman belted one straight out of there for the win.


To clarify a point, right before the RZA (as the DC Sports Bog calls him, named after one of the best producers of Mr. Zimmerman's favorite genre of music) finished the first game in the new Nationals Park, the announcers said that he was "63 inches tall." This may be the height of former Nats utilityman Jamey Carroll, but Zimmerman is actually 75 inches tall, or 6'3".

Also: big shout out to George W. Bush, who threw out the first pitch and provided color commentary from the booth. As a baseball guy, George W. Bush is alright in my book. I don't hold a grudge against him for being put in charge of a country he can't run.

Professor Swag's Bonus of the Day: Perhaps my favorite part of Ryan Zimmerman's home run, aside from it winning the game, was his reaction as he watched the ball rocket it's way into the stands. ESPN only showed my favorite clip once, probably due to the nature of it, but it was still a great moment in Nationals history. If you watched the only once aired footage of Zimmerman's reaction to the ball before he reached first base you would have noticed him staring intensely at the ball and screaming, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" followed by the "YEAHHHHH!" which they showed so many times. I think it's safe to say that Zimmerman's "GET THE FUCK OUT!" was the first time in new Nationals Park history that the ball has successfully listened to a player's command. Hopefully there's some kind of magic in the new ballpark which allows the Nationals to control the ball in times of great need.

The new park has already created a new linguistic use of the word "spunk" with Lastings Milledge's statement to WTOP.com that "[Nationals Park] is going spunk us up." I guess Mistah Millz knew something about the new ballpark that we didn't. I'm glad Zimmerman took the time to define what being "spunked up" actually means for us last night. It's a good thing to know. Furthermore, if Zimmerman's hit didn't spunk you up, check your pulse, or check your ass on to your flight back to Atlanta.

The Kool-Aid Man Has Some Serious Skillz

So I was watching the greatest show of all time, Scooby Doo, when this commercial came on the air:

OH YEAAHHHHH! Man that crossover was naZtee with a capital Z. The Kool-Aid Man can do it all, cross you up on the court, and quench your thirst off it. His trademarked "OH YEAAHHHH!" is almost as good as the famous, "OH, BAY-BEE!" of Duke Tango, the guy who announces for And 1 Streetball.

That commercial was effective, at least on me. I had mixed up a batch of Kool-Aid earlier in the day to drink with breakfast since there was no orange juice. Upon seeing the commercial I immediately got up and poured myself a glass of that delicious red flavored liquid.

Here's a bonus "classic" Kool-Aid commercial from the 70s. "HEY! KOOL-AID!"

Nationals Finally Getting Some Respect From Natonal Media Outlets

You would think a team named the "Nationals" would garner at least some national attention. That was not the case for a 2007 team which was aired on national television a grand total of three times during the entire season. How many of these three appearances showcased the fourth place Nationals? Zero, unless you considering Nationals pitcher Mike Bacsik giving up Barry Bonds record setting 756th home run a showcase.

All three of the games the Nationals played in front of a national TV audience in 2007 were by default, highlighting accomplishments of their opponents. The August 6th and 7th games the Nationals played at San Francisco on ESPN2 were only picked up nationally because Barry Bonds was sitting on 755 home runs. Seven of the Giants previous nine games leading up to the series against the Nationals were broadcast on either ESPN or ESPN2. Had Bonds hit 756 on August 3rd, 4th, or 5th, the Nationals would have been resigned to MASN (Mid-Atlantic Sports Network) and MASN2 for the August 6th and 7th games, respectively.

The Nationals made one final national TV appearance on Fox, September 29th, against a Phillies squad wrapping up a late season surge into the playoffs. The Mets epic collapse (largely due to losing 5 of 6 to the Nationals in late September) coupled with the Phillies late season hot streak (largely due to winning 4 of 6 against the Nationals in late September), forged a Phillies run into the playoffs which would have been the most exciting in baseball had it not been for a Rockies team winning 14 of their last 15 games to claim the NL Wildcard. If the Mets hold on to their late season five game lead of the NL East, there would have been no reason for Fox to air the Phillies, and by default, the Nationals, on national TV.

Before the 2007 season started, the Nationals were scheduled play on national TV once, a 3:55PM game at home against the Rockies Saturday, July 21st to be aired on Fox. When July 21st came around, did Fox broadcast this game? No. Was this game broadcast at all? No. Fox decided to drop the Rockies at Nationals game to pick up the Mets at Dodgers game being played at the same time. MASN was unable to acquire the broadcasting rights to the game, so it wasn't aired at all. That's respect stooping to Rodney Dangerfield levels if I've ever seen it.

As of 1:05 PM EST today, the 2008 Nationals have already garnered more respect from the national broadcast media than they did in 2007. It's still spring training, and the Nationals have already been showcased nationally more times than they were last season. Today's spring training game against the Tigers on ESPN wasn't just a technicality like last season's nationally broadcast games were. The Nationals were on ESPN because ESPN decided the Washington's match up with Detroit was interesting enough to attract viewers across the country.

Furthermore, the Nationals opening day game at home against Atlanta March 30th at 8:05pm is slated to air on ESPN. This broadcast solely highlights the Nationals, or more precisely, the sparkling new Nationals Park, which will be receiving it's first taste of regular season action that day. While the Nationals don't have any nationally broadcast games on their schedule after March 30, the fact that the Nationals, projected by most "experts" to finish last in the NL East, have any nationally broadcast games shows the team is moving forward in terms of fan interest, and with fan interest, respect from major TV outlets. Maybe, just maybe, if the Nationals exceed all expectations and are competitive in the NL East, we'll get to see the Nationals on Fox and ESPN a few times this season while they make a playoff run. Hope springs eternal, especially during spring training.

Bonus 1: *The Nats rocked the Tigers today, I'm about to turn the game off since I need to get on with my day and we're up 9-0. Lastings Milledge, Justin Maxwell, and Ronnie Belliard all hit convincing home runs. Milledge's third inning shot was an all out bomb. It has to have landed at least 40 feet beyond the left center field wall and could very likely have been a "yellow-seater" at old RFK. The pitching was shaky at times, but still managed to shut out a Tigers team projected to lead Baseball in runs scored. Hopefully the Nats perform this well on ESPN March 30, when it, you know, counts for something.

Bonus 2: *I was lucky enough to have some excellent seats to the not broadcasted Rockies at Nationals game so I was able to see the Nationals shutout the Rockies 3-0 on a beautiful Saturday afternoon spent with my father.

Ice Cube Down With the Nationals

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Pick the Songs Played at Nationals Games

The Nationals organization is giving you the opportunity to pick the songs they play over the sound system:
1) After a National hits a home run
2) After "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch
3) After a Nationals win

The email I received from Nationals.com:

Welcome Home Nats Fans! In just a couple of weeks, the most spectacular state-of-the-art ballpark in Major League baseball opens its doors for its inaugural season. Your all-new Nationals Park combines the best features of other acclaimed MLB ballparks with an architectural flavor unique to DC, creating an experience unlike any other!

To welcome you to your new home we'd like your help. We are asking all Nats fans to chime in and vote for their choice of song for: 7th Inning Stretch Song | Home Run Song | Victory Song

The songs you pick are important, if not to you than to me. One of my main complaints (besides Screech being worthless) in the angry letter I wrote to the Nationals organization after last season was that they didn't give fans the opportunity to have an identity because the only songs played were ones stolen from the tradition of other franchises that are more than 3 years old. The singing of "Sweet Caroline," a long time Boston Red Sox tradition, comes to mind as an example of a co-opted song which was frequently played last season.

Under the question:

Which of the following songs would you most like to hear played whenever a Nationals player hits a home run in Nationals Park this season?

Make sure to pick choice B) Bustin' Loose by Chuck Brown. If you're from the DMV (District-Maryland-Virginia for all you bammas) and don't know this song you need to seriously evaluate your DC credentials. Chuck Brown is a Go-Go pioneer and therefore a DC Legend. If you're from the Cap, or even a place that would root for a DC sports team, and don't know who Chuck Brown is, you need to check yourself into bamma rehab.

Other than making sure to pick Bustin' Loose, I don't particularly care what you pick so long as U2 is not among your choices. I would recommend Shout by the Isley Brothers, but that will probably win by itself since everybody and their cousin likes that song.

Here's two (incomplete) videos of Bustin' Loose for those of you who are Chuck Brown fan's or don't know who he is:

Wily Mo On the Lo Fo Fo

Nationals Outfielder Wily "Mo Damage" Pena is predicted to miss four weeks after suffering "suffering a significant tear" of his left oblique muscle and start will likely start the 2008 season on the DL. Wily Mo strained his oblique while taking batting practice. Ouch. I guess Wily Mo's damage inflicting campaign isn't limited to non-Wily objects.

Wily told Nationals.com, "When I hit the last [ball], I had to put the bat down and cry. It was [hurting]."

I don't exactly understand why he needed so many [bracketed words], I guess he damages English in some fashion like he does everything else. Either that or "Mo Damage" curses a lot while talking about being injured.

I can't help but wonder what it looks like to see Wily Mo cry. He seems like the type of gentleman who has cried few enough times in his life to count on a single hand. If Wily Mo in his current form actually shed tears the world might stop spinning.

SHUT EM DOWN!

MMM, delicious! How does it taste Lebron? Nice last shot there. It was so good DeShawn couldn't feel his face afterwards. That's some special spice right there. Thanks for being a class act though, and doing something besides walking directly to the locker room after making the game losing shot. While you're 25-7-7 looks good on paper, when you take DeShawn holding your ass to 40% shooting into account, your game doesn't look quite so tasty does it. Maybe I forgot to mention the icing, a scrumptious 1-7 from three point land, and a delicious 7 turnovers.

DeShawn Stevenson Answers the All Important Question I Asked Him

The same email I recieved from the Wizards informing me that Caron would be retunring also held DeShawn Stevenson's answers to his mailbag, where fans get to write in and ask DeShawn questions about anything and everything. Who's question did he answer first? Professor Swag's of course. Yeahhhh. My question was eloquently stated as per usual:

Nick M. aka Professor Swag: What is your favorite thing that you have ever bought?

DeShawn Stevenson: My favorite thing that I ever bought was probably my first car. I got it when I first came in the league, it was a nice Lexus truck.

Having the opportunity to ask DeShawn Stevenson a question isn't the type of thing a couch bound "journalist" gets to do every day, I had to make sure to pick the right question. I must have spent five good minutes thinking of questions along the lines of "If I were DeShawn Stevenson, what would I want to talk about more than anything?" The first thing I did was narrow it down to, "Who would a person who tatoos Stevenson and 2 on his back jersey style want to talk about?" The answer was clearly that Mr. Stevenson #2 would want to talk about Mr. Stevenson #2. Still, I needed to go further. Next, I recalled the picture (above) from DeShawn's (in?)famous MySpace page. This narrowed it down pretty significantly to today's offical Professor Swag question of the day: "What would a man who sports a grill spelling about Papa Smurf in diamondz and poses with an American Exrpress Black Card want to talk about?"
A) Money
B) Spending Money
C) Something That Doesn't Involve Money
D) Both A) and B).

DeShawn's answer was somewhat predictable, I was guessing (insert nice brand) car as my first choice, with house as my second choice. At the end of the day I'm just glad that I have the inution needed to understand what the modern NBA player wants to talk about. DeShawn has probably been my favorite player this season before he answered my question, and he has certainly sealed up the spot for the season now. Caron and Antawn have ranked 2 and 3 respectively. Gil plummeted from 1 to 4 this season, I don't really want to get into that though.

Varrejo eats dick.

Time For Me to Un-Give Up On this Wizards Season

Caron Butler is back in the Wizards starting lineup tonight against Cleveland. Do I really need to say anything else?

This Year's Badger Basketball Themed "READ" Poster Not As Good as Last Year's Badger Basketball Team Themed "READ" Poster

Last year's poster is on top, this year's on the bottom. Sorry the quality on this year's picture is a little crunchy, there's no online pictures of it that I could find, so this is a cameraphone representation of the poster. I picked it up from the front desk at College Library. I don't know if they have it at other libraries, but I would imagine they have to. I think the "READ" themed poster is to promote the American Library Association's National Library Week, which is from April 12-18 this year. Julie Andrews of Marry Poppins fame is this year's Honorary Chair.

Getting back to the 2008 Big Ten Champion Badger basketball team endorsed "READ" poster, my complaint with this year's poster is they gave Coach Bo Ryan, and from left to right Joe Krabbenhoft, Jason Bohannan, Marcus Landry, Brian Butch, and Trevon Hughes a much "realer" book that was afforded Alando Tucker last year. I can't say I've read Alando's Book, Professional Sports Team Histories: BASKETBALL but I can say with a more than reasonable amount of certainty that BASKETBALL is below the reading level of the modern college student. BASKETBALL seems like the kind of book a kid who likes sports would do a 7th grade book report on. At the same time, the book isn't really fair to Alando Tucker since he's not the dumbass college athlete he ends up being portrayed as on the poster. He graduated with a degree in Life Science Communications from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I don't know how "real" a major Life Science Communications is but it most certainly carries with it a more strenuous course load than the football team's major of choice, Agricultural Journalism, so you have to give him some credit. I don't imagine there are that many other First Team All-Americans who actually graduate like Alando did either.

This year's book, Clemente: The Passion and Grace of Baseball's Last Hero, seems to be more on the level of the college students holding them. Still, it doesn't have the charm of BASKETBALL because it doesn't drive home the same "I'm a basketball player and I like reading books about basketball!" message since it's not about basketball on any level. It's still a fine poster, just not a classic.

Bonus: After searching the UW library system via MadCat I could only locate four copies of Clemente, two of the 2006 edition, and two of the 2007 edition. You'll notice that there are six copies of the book in the poster. This means that at least two the books in the picture could not have been from the University of Wisconsin-Madison library system.

Three of the UW's copies are located in College Library, one in the Main Collection, Room 3191, one in Open Book Sports and Fitness, Room 1250, and one in Ethnic Studies, Room 1193. The last is in the Historical Society stacks. Two copies call number status's are "Not Checked Out" and the other two are "In Process" as of March 7. I wonder if people saw the poster and decided to check out the book in response. It can't be a coincidence that they're "in process" right after the poster came out.

Nationals Season Headed South Before it Starts

That specter they call injury seems to have an attachment with certain members of the Nationals pitching staff. Injury ranks second on the list of qualities inherent to Washington sports teams not under the tutelage of Coach Joe Gibbs Vol. I, falling somewhere short of the locally enshrined Mediocrity.

Shawn Hill is back to his old tricks. His right forearm hurts too much to play catch despite the fact that doctors have said there is nothing structurally wrong with the appendage. As it stands, they are unsure if Hill will be on the opening day roster, and if he is, they say he'll most likely be fifth in the rotation.

Then there was this gem from a Thomas Boswell column from earlier this week:

"Looks like Patterson's arm hurts him," said Orioles executive Mike Flanagan, meaning no harm, just ballpark chat. "He used to have this nice long arm extension. Now his motion is short and he's throwing a lot of curveballs."

Classic.

Since Tom Hanks has established that there is in fact "no crying in baseball," I've looked to some interesting alternatives to deal with the Nats inevitable suckitude:

1. Hire a Shaman, Witch Doctor, Hoodoo man, whatever you want to call him to get rid of the jinx, curse, trick, or whatever afflicts the pitching staff.

2. Teach Hill to throw right handed and Patterson to throw left handed to get around their oft injured preferred throwing limbs.

3. Get Michael Jordon to unretire from the sport of baseball, sign with the Nats, inevitably fuck things up like he did with the Wizards, blame all of our baseball woes on Michael Jordan. Frankly, I would be honored to be able to say that Michael Jordan played the lead role in unraveling not one but two Washington sports franchises.

4. Frame pitcher Johan Satana and Phillies slugger Ryan Howard as the leaders of a scandalous dog fighting ring. Getting rid of the two best players in the division couldn't hurt the Nationals.

5. Get Aaron or Bret Boone to donate some of his family vintage Boone's Farm wine to Hill and Patterson, get them drunk, challenge them in a drunken boast to the tune of"You pussies can't throw with some hurt arms!" get them to drunkenly pitch to prove they aren't pussies.

If the Nationals didn't have 2,371 pitchers I would be more worried than I am as it is.

*Bonus: D'mitri "Da Meat Hook" Young hurt himself swinging in the batting cage because he's fat. 291 pounds fat. Perhaps he was hooking more than his fair share of meat. According to a headline I find humorous due to the randomness of the things being battled, "Young Battling Diabetes, Competition: Nationals First Baseman Having Difficulty Shedding Pounds". Little kids, you gotta look at how well Da Meat Hook and Nick Johnson share the first base position. They take turns being hurt so the other one can play.

DeShawn Stevenson Can't Feel His Face While Bowling Either

As advertised by his t-shirt in this picture stolen from the DC Sports Bog, Deshawn's facial nerves are experiencing technical difficulties while bowling. I have no proof of this but I can say with 93.9% confidence that he makes his signature gesture after rolling strikes in the same way he does after dunking on someone or making a good shot.

I would pay cash dollar$ to see a video of DeShawn rolling three consecutive strikes on the final frame to come from behind to win a round, especially if he was bowling against Chris Paul or any other member of the Hornets.

The beard he's sporting for the beard growing contest he's holding with Chicago Bulls forward and all around bamma Drew Gooden is clearly doing well. It is the kind of beard that I would expect to see at a bowling alley rather than on a basketball court so its fitting that DeShawn is a bowler. I suppose its also the kind of beard you would don when you have a $20,000 straight cash bet that the other guy will shave his beard first.

*Bonus: Note that in spite of the general clownishness of DeShawn's shoes, they are in fact not bowling shoes, but what appear to be low top Chuck's with some chunky red laces.

*Bonus 2: In case you aren't familiar with DeShawn's "I can't feel my face," gesture or just enjoy watching him do, he performs it after dunking on the Pistons at the end of this low resolution video.

BREAKING NEWS: WARREN SAPP RETIRES

Oh, wait. No one cares. He plays for the Raiders. On Sapp's official website, aptly named QBKilla.com, he made the following announcement, "I'm Done!" That is in fact, all the website says. The truth is, the Raiders don't deserve anything more than Sapp's two word retirement announcement. The exclamation point at the end of his statement goes to show how happy players are to get out of the football purgatory that is the Oakland Raiders by any means possible.

Another Reason to Love Woody Paige

In case you didn't already love him for his nonsensical comments and wacky demeanor, today Woodow Wilson "Woody" Paige is wearing a Big Bird tie. Other Sesame Street characters may also grace his tie but I can't really tell because the bar with his name and the number of "points" block everything below Big Bird. If Cookie Monster is on there, I gotta get me one of those ties.

Brett Favre Gone, Perhaps With the Wind

Brett Favre is nothing short of an American icon and he leaves the game of football with records for most career TDs, completions, career passing yards, consecutive starts for a starting QB, career wins by a starting QB, addictions to vicodin by a starting QB, interceptions, and number of comparasions to Tony Romo by Tony Kornheiser. He decided make his decision to retire early in the offseason, denying Packer fans the opportunity to fret for months about the future of a Packers team with Aaron Rodgers at the helm. Some say part of the reason he retired was to let the feeling of inevitable Rodgers led defeat sink in long before the season begins. Of course Rodgers will just get hurt right away like he always does so the Packers will inevitably end up being led by last seasons third stringer Craig Nall.

Despite the fact Favre never played for my hometown team the Washington Redskins, he leaves behind a long legacy of throwing interceptions to the Redskins. The first pass of Favre's career was intercepted by Washington Redskins linebacker Andre Collins, who proceeded to return the interception for a touchdown. In the most touching moment of Favre's career for Redskins fans, Favre launched an errant pass directly to the late, great Redskins saftey Sean Taylor. In doing so Favre eclipsed George Blanda's mark of 277 career interceptions.

Favre is also notable for beginning and ending his career much in the style of baseball legend Ted Williams. Williams hit homeruns in his first and last career at bats, while Favre threw interceptions on the opening and final passes of his career. Favre's final pass was intercepted in overtime of the NFC Finals game at home against the New York Giants. The turnover sealed the Packers defeat after a field goal won the game for the Giants.

In spite of all this Favre is still better than John Elway due to Elway's now scandalized use of the Vortex football in the first Superbowl he won, and then the Vortex Howler in his second Superbowl victory. After investigating reports that Elway could throw such footballs clean out of the stadium, the NFL committee of fair play rescinded Elway's Superbowl rings, leaving Favre with 1 career Superbowl win, and Elway with 0.

Caron's Injury is Worse Than They Thought

Maybe the Wizards are done. It turns out Caron Butler has more than just a hip flexor strain: a torn labrum. He's being reevaluated next week. Here's something from the Mayo Clinic website about the torn labrum:

The socket of your hip joint (acetabulum) is lined by cartilage called your labrum. This cartilage provides stability and cushioning for your hip joint, allowing the ball of your thighbone (femur) to move smoothly and painlessly in the socket.

Treatment

Many hip labral tears cause no signs or symptoms and need no treatment. However, when treatment is necessary it may include:

• Physical therapy. Exercises to maximize hip range of motion and hip strength and stability can help to improve symptoms. A physical therapist also can analyze the movements you perform that put stress on your hip joint and help you avoid these forces.
• Corticosteroid injections. A corticosteroid injection into the hip joint can help provide pain relief and reduce joint inflammation. These injections are performed under X-ray or ultrasound guidance.
• Pain medications. Acetaminophen (Tylenol, others) and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) can provide pain relief. NSAIDs include such over-the-counter (OTC) medications as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) and naproxen (Aleve, others).

Arthroscopic surgery
If you have a hip labral tear and experience hip pain for more than four weeks, your doctor may recommend a surgical procedure called hip arthroscopy.

During hip arthroscopy, an orthopedic surgeon inserts a flexible, drinking-straw-sized instrument (arthroscope) into your joint space through a small incision in your skin. The arthroscope is fitted with a lighting system and tiny camera, enabling the surgeon to see into your joint.

Once the surgeon can see the joint, the specialized instruments needed to perform the procedure are inserted through small accessory incisions. Depending on the cause and extent of the tear, the surgeon may cut out and remove the torn piece of labrum or repair the torn cartilage with a suture procedure.

Michigan State is Ugly, Badgers Play Pretty

Michigan State has some formidably unattractive players, no Romo. It's pretty remarkable. I thought the Badger's big white guys were ugly. When your star center is noted for looking like a polar bear and his backup is noted for looking like something worse than a polar bear, you would think thats about as ugly as you could get. Michigan State's centers manage to overcome some long odds to out ugly Brian Butch and Greg Stiemsma. Next to Goran Suton and Drew Naymick, Butch and Stiemsma look like David Beckham and Matthew fucking Mcconaughey, no Romo.

The only things balancing out the dreadful aura of ugly on the floor was the Badgers excruciatingly efficient play on both sides of the ball, and of course the always lovely Erin Andrews. The Badgers committed a school record single turnover as they held the Spartans to 42 points on 35% shooting. Butch led the way for the Badgers with 16 points, managing to hit, as Dick Vitale would refer to them, "four trifectas, baby," despite resembling a member of another species.

During a lull in the game Bret Musburger, who was calling the game, refered to Erin Andrews as the "person everybody wants to see on YouTube" and the real star of the crew. To this Andrews responded, "You're the star Brent, I've been wearing sunglasses all day."

At this point in time Musburger went off on a tangent about the Nitty Gritty and how the previous night there had been 53 birthday's there, and there was beer and hamburgers. Based on this I'm guessing that the ESPN crew had been out at the Nitty knocking back a few with Badger fans. Well perhaps more than a few if Andrews needed to wear her sunglasses all day. That's quite a hangover Erin.

Is there anyone who was at the Nitty last night who may have seen Erin Andrews and/or Brent Musburger or any of the rest of the ESPN crew there? I know readership isn't very big, but it would be cool to confirm that she was there.

Milledge Has the Green Light on the Basepaths, to High Five Me Whenever He Wants

Manny Acta has given center fielder Lastings Milledge the green light to steal whenever he wants, so long as he keeps his base stealing percent over 74%. The Mets never afforded Yung Millz such freedom on basepaths, giving him nine total steal attempts over the two seasons he was in New York. I suppose someone born with a sweet name like Lastings is bound to be fast, but I didn't even know he had base stealing speed. Yung Millz has already promised to both hit and field better since he's playing his natural position, center field, for the Nats. The Mets had him stuck in left field, where he said he was uncomfortable.

What I don't understand is how Milledge got the "headcase" label slapped on him. The song he was on, "Bend Ya Kneez," was maybe a little grimy. It's not like it's illegal to rap (although it should be for Rocko da Don. "Umma Do Me" sounds like it was both penned and performed by a paint-huffing retard). Second of all, I don't get how high-fiving fans after you hit a bottom of the ninth game tying home run is a bad thing. Lastings, you can feel free to come over and high five me whenever you want to, especially if you just sent the game it into extra innings with a bomb. I'm glad D.C.'s media doesn't have the sensationalist asshole element that New York's does. Hopefully, your stats will affirm the "gangsta" status claimed on your three finger ring.

Finally, An Endorsement Opportunity for Dwight Gooden

Dwight Gooden will always be remembered as the Mets young phenom pitcher who at age 21, won both the AL Triple Crown and the 1985 Cy Young Award. He will also be remembered as the 23 year old who tested positive for cocaine and spent a third of the 1987 season in rehab. More recently, Gooden spent 7 months in jail for violating his probation after a rash of drunk driving arrests. He was released November 9, 2006.

Getting to the point, you're probably asking yourself, "What company would dare sign an endorsement deal with a washed-up, ex-superstar, convicted felon?" The answer: Blow Energy Drink Mix!

Blow Energy Drink is a fine ground white powder sold in vials. If you're tired after a long day, or just killed your best friend, saw your sister die before your eyes, and are battling scores of highly armed assassins hired by an angry Columbian kingpin with an M-16 in your Miami mansion you simply the mix the white powder with water for a big boost of energy. Blow Energy Drink does not recommend piling it's product on your desk, however.

Blow contains 240mg of caffeine, roughly equivalent to three cups of coffee. Blow Energy Drink Mix is a available for purchase in four pack sizes: The 2 pack Stash Box Sampler Pack for $9.95, the 12 vial Brick for $36, the 24 vial Recreational User Pack $72, and the 96 vial Fiender's Hook-Up for $200. Unfortunately, no G-Pack is yet available. But, the 12 vial Brick does include a complementary credit card and mirror!

Dwight Gooden recommends the Recreational User Pack for your re-up of Blow!

A Tribute to That Guy From And 1 Streetball Who Screams "OH BAY-BEE!"

To me, And 1 Streetball is like Haagen-Dazs to a fat lady on a diet: I know I should have nothing to do with it, but I can't help but indulge myself in it's delights. Furthermore, when I say I'm just gonna have a little "taste" of Streetball action, I inevitably find myself watching for as long as its on. You're probably thinking "15 consecutive minutes is the most any sane person can muster to view And 1 Streetball, much less any thing else that airs on ESPN 2." To this I say, "OHH BAY-BEE!"

More than the awesome player nicknames, high-flying dunks, constant alley-oops, ridiculous dribbling techniques that takes carrying the ball to the X-treme, and remarkable lack of defensive effort, what draws me in to wasting fractions of my life watching And 1 Streetball is that guy who screams "OHH BAY-BEE!" Every time "Hot Sauce" pulls his signature move "tha Boomerang" (Hot Sauce pretends to throw a one-handed pass past over a defender's shoulder. However the ball rises straight in the air and returns to him while the defender turns his head to look for the ball), every time "Helicopter" windmills on a fast break, and every time "8th Wonder" thunderously dunks an offensive rebound over some pretending ass, bitch-made defender, you can count on the signature "OH BAY-BEE!" to be emphatically yelled.

What distinguishes "Oh Bay-Bee!" guy from "traditional" announcers? First of all, he roams the court with a cordless mic, refusing to be constrained by things like a "scorer's table," or an "announcer's booth," and can be often times seen yelling encouragement to the player with the ball from directly behind said player. Secondly, his utter lack of journalistic skill can only be described as charming. Finally and most remarkable, is his ability to draw people into watching the sports equivalent of an Ashlee Simpson song through outright enthusiasm for a game which isn't "real," but somehow has a degree of credibility.

In case you are personally unfamiliar with this grand-champion of American culture, here's a video of his art performed. Good "OH BAY-BEE!"s come at 24 and 35 seconds.

DeShawn Stevenson: A Real American Hero

DAGGER!



According to the stats on NBA.com, he's Mister 38.3 this year, not Mister 50. But he earned his keep in tonight's game.

*Note from Professor Swag: It is assumed that DeShawn is most likely currently experiencing difficulties feeling his face in the wake of such a daggerous performance. His tremendous beard certainly can't be helping.

Maybe the Boone's Farm Sponsorship Isn't Such a Good Idea...

It turns out the reason Bret Boone left baseball in the first place was alcohol. He was a full blown alcoholic. As result, I'm starting to think the Boone's Farm stadium sponsorship might be a bad idea. Boone's been on the wagon for 7 months and team sponsorship by a major alcohol label could buck him right off.

Boone did a pretty damn good job playing despite what can only be described rampant alcoholism. At age 32, he claims to have been drinking 12 to 15 beers after games. Boone was 32 in 2001, a season in which he hit 37 HRS, 141 RBIs, and batted .331. He finished third in the AL-MVP voting that season. I can drink to that.

By age 36, Boone's addiction got to the point where he was more concerned with hitting the hotel bar after the game than playing the game itself. This was the point he decided to retire to get his life back in order.

Still, Boone's achievements as an alcoholic ballplayer fall well short of many who paved the way for his success, most notably Mickey Mantle and Hack Wilson.

Despite occasionally playing games still drunk from the night before, Hack Wilson holds the MLB record for RBIs in a season with 191. He also held the record for most HRs by a National League player with 56 until he was surpassed by both Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa in the Great Home Run Race of 1998. Despite playing an alcohol shortened career of only 12 seasons, Wilson was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1979. He died of alcohol induced cirrhosis of the liver at age 48 in 1948.

I'm not going to bother to talk about Mickey Mantle because you should know who he is.

Elijah Dukes in the Golf Digest Edition, Part I

Viedographer Jon Forsythe for the Washington Post ran into Elijah Dukes at a driving range near the Nationals spring training facility where he was teeing off in a big way. Note Dukes dedication to traditional golf attire. It's not exactly LaCoste, but its a lot more interesting.

Video courtesy of the DC Sports Bog

The New Lebron Shoe

My colleague Professor Swag mentioned Lebron James's ref-assisted heroics against the Wizards on Friday. I don't want to hate on Lebron, I want to help him out with a business idea. It goes along with his line of shoes and it's called Lebron's Frequent Traveler Program. It's basically like frequent-flier miles, except instead of getting points for flying on a particular airline, you get points for traveling while wearing Lebron's shoes. If you get away with the travel, you get a bonus point. You can turn in the points to get free shoes, or the right to travel more.

Anybody can use Lebron's Frequent Traveler Program, but of course nobody can use it as well as Lebron himself. My suggestion to him is to earn as many miles as he can during the regular season, and then if the Cavs are playing the Wizards, he can cash in all those miles and travel all over the place during the fourth quarter. It won't matter because Eddie Jordan will have invented the Don't Let Lebron Get Away With Shit Defense in which Andray Blatche and Brendan Haywood pre-empt the cheap fouls by punching him in the arm so he can't make free throws.

Wily Mo Pena: It's All About the Damage

Wily Mo Pena recently spoke to Bill Ladsen of MLB.com about the work he's been putting in to earn a starting spot in left field for the Nationals. Here's what he had to say:

"When I was in Boston, I didn't get the opportunity like Washington gave to me. When you play every day you can do some damage. When you are not playing how can you do damage? You sit in the dugout."

Man I hope Wily Mo earns himself a doctorate in "damage" this season. 100 RBIs is required to earn the degree. Wily "Mo Damage" Pena is a nickname 100% worth earning.

It's Official: The Toilets at Nationals Park Work

It has been confirmed by "Operation Super Flush" that the toilets in Nationals Park are fully functional and will be able to withstand the all out barrage of urine bound for their collective bowls. This was some kind of undertaking, requiring the coordinated efforts of 175 volunteer flushers who were instructed to flush the toilets every 10 seconds and urinals every 15 seconds over designated periods of time. The plumbing system is designed to be environmentally friendly reducing the total amount of water used from 9.6 million gallons to 6 million gallons per season. As a bonus to female baseball fans in and around DC, the ladies rooms have as many toilets as the mens rooms have combined toilets+urinals, so the line for womens relief shouldn't be as shockingly long as it is at other stadiums.
I personally am waiting for them to test the beer dispersal system, designed to ensure that the parks over public 500 toilets and urinals are utilized to the degree to which they have been tested. I've heard personally from Professor RemiX, who was lucky enough to receive a tour of the not yet completed ballpark, that Nationals Park has some sort of advanced system of tubes for distributing beer throughout the stadium from a central location. No word from Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK) if this series of tubes is at all related to the internet.

Kevin Durant Eats His Own Booger

That must be a Texas thing because theres no way he learned that growing up in DC. The video is kinda annoying, but its still naztee.

Props to Bruce Pearl for Grabbing Erin Andrews Boobs

If you're crazy enough not to be watching Tennessee(2) at Memphis(1) in college hoops action you're missing a hell of a game. You also missed Erin Andrews interview with Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl.

Badgers Again Ranked Highly Pre-Preseason

The Badgers are again picked to finish highly in both the Big-10 and overall in the way before the season starts polls on ESPN.com. To be specific, the Badgers are ranked second in the Big-10 behind those perennial assholes at Ohio State and 13th in the country. I take this to mean that ESPN.com is predicting that OSU is going to get to the National Championship game only to lose for the third consecutive season, leaving the Badgers to get rolled by USC in the Rose Bowl like Illinois did after entering the Rose Bowl ranked 13th in both polls last season. Hopefully the Badgers are moving in the direction Zach Brown in pointing in the above picture.

Going to the Rose Bowl would be pretty much the most awesome thing ever setting aside L.A. being a soulless jungle of freeways. I suppose that's why they play the game in Pasadena. I'm tired of the Second Rate Bowl Presented by Capital One which we didn't even bother to get to this past season. A trip to the Rose Bowl would be a fine way to round off my final year at UW-Madison, since football is inevitably more important than academics.

Bonus: Michigan is slated to finish fifth in the Big-10. Whats good now, you fancy coach having bitches?

I Hate Lebron, I Hate Lebron, I Hate Lebron...

That foul the cheating ass refs called on Brendan Haywood with 7 second left was nowhere shy of complete bullshit. C'mon NBA, you're riding Lebron's cock a little too hard. The only gratifying thing about the whole experience was the fact that when Cleveland got the ball with about 25 seconds left, I called exactly what was going to happen. My prediction: Lebron would drive and shoot creating one of two possible scenarios:
1. Lebron makes it and Cleveland wins fair and square
2. Lebron misses, the refs wait to see that he misses, then call a foul on whoever its convenient to call a foul on. officiating

Scenario 2 is the one that panned out. My favorite part was how the repeated replays confirmed the fact that the ref along the baseline in the back corner did not even put the whistle into his mouth until he saw the ball miss. This was one of those classic Cleveland vs. Washington games where the refs can either call a travel on Lebron at the end of the game, or give him a foul. I think you can guess the call they always make.
Also, mother fuck a Damon Jones and his mother fucking mohawk. You may have had 27 points tonight, but you still only average 5.9 a game this season and 6.7 for your career, you fucking suck ass bitch.

The Hat-enomics of Chad Cordero

People have been getting worried lately about the fact that Chad Cordero’s brim has been shockingly curved so far this spring training (as pictured to the right in a photo stolen from the Nationals Enquirer). I think every Nationals fan loves seeing that remarkably flat brim on the mound as much as they love almost having a heart attack every save opportunity Chad has. My favorite part of his saves is that the inevitably third out comes with runner(s) in scoring position on a deep fly ball you judge to be gonezo by Austin Kearns body language, until it inevitably drops into his glove somewhere a few inches shy of the warning track. Last season I attended game 3 of the series the Nats swept on the road at Camden Yards and left feeling like I hadn’t gotten money’s worth because the Chief sat the O’s down in order in the bottom of the 9th.

Anyhow, I digress. For those of you who don’t have a PhD in hat-enomics like I do, I’ll explain something important about baseball caps that the DC Sports Bog and the Nationals Enquier are either ignoring or don’t know.

To start, I investigated Chad Cordero’s brim preferences based on my observed data collected over his three regular seasons as a National. This data suggests Cordero’s preference for flat brims holds across day vs. night games, save vs. non-save opportunity, and pre vs. post all-star break. Therefore, I established that Cordero’s preference for flat, non-curved brims was extremely strong.

However, during spring training 2007 and thus far in spring training 2008, Cordero wore his hat with a moderate to strong curvature. This new-found curvature was initially baffling; the data simply didn’t fit with the model I’d developed for the regular season.

This drove me to create a new model, one which investigated the relationship between Cordero’s brim curvature and the type of hat being worn. During the regular season, MLB players wear the traditional New Era 59Fifty model caps. While wearing this cap, Cordero demonstrated the strong affinity for the flat brim for which Nationals fans most often recognize him. However, starting in 2007, MLB switched from issuing the New Era 59Fifty during spring training, to the newly developed New Era 39Thirty model cap. Based cap data from spring trainings prior to 2007, we see that Cordero wore his cap with a flat brim. It was only once MLB began issuing the 39Thirty model caps that Cordero began wearing his cap with a curved brim.

Upon further investigation I discovered that the 39Thirty comes out of the box with a pre-curved brim in a design meant to appeal to bros. Furthermore, said brim is near impossible straighten. Based on this evidence, I think its safe to conclude that Cordero would wear the brim of his 39Thirty just as flat as that of the 59Fifty if it was possible. There is no regular season brim preference data to contradict this. In conclusion, all of my models project Cordero’s brim to be flat as usual once the regular season starts and he is wearing his 59Fifty.

Here is the 39Thirty on the left, and the 59Fifty on the right for comparison.